Beyond Pandemic Parenting…
Hello! Man, it’s been awhile. Our household has gone through many changes within the last six months. Big kids moving onward and upward, our youngest deciding on a local high school experience, and my role as constant care provider shifting into a more mellow state of affairs…
I thought I’d share something I wrote last year about our motives and incentives for the parenting choices our family has made.
I’m the mother of five children here in Hamilton, all of whom have been homeschooled in the city. Their respective educational journeys have been rich, full and unorthodox, and have resulted in some pretty incredible people who are confident, self aware and compassionate. My aim is to share possibilities, especially now, when families are exploring alternative educational paths. Often we don’t try something that seems worthwhile or desirable, because we don’t know anyone who's blazed a trail first, so my goal is to share my family's story in order to offer peace to others who are considering making a break with things that aren’t necessarily working for them. Nothing is ever undoable. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, jump into the great wide open, and see what works for your crew.
One of the main impetus for beginning our families’ journey of alternative, child led education over two decades ago, was to introduce and expose our children to a world outside of walls. My partner and I wanted to foster deep, real connection with our kids and model compassion, empathy and a sense of adventure and fun. We began simply, with just being around people who needed help. A jaunt to Jackson Square to take advantage of the library and market became an opportunity for dialogue about poverty, charity and mercy. A desire to impact the ones who needed immediate relief in the form of food, money or simple acknowledgement instilled a humanity and desire to see the good that is still flourishing in all of them years later.
Originally, ‘homeschooling’ was never on our radar. We assumed that it was the province of weirdos and separatists who were bent on shielding their kids from reality. When I was small, my parents searched out incredible alternative public schools in Toronto, and I loved them dearly. School was exciting, fun and, as a result of having a sibling with pretty intense special needs, a valuable outlet for creativity, community and companionship. These were radical places of freedom for me. When it came time for us to research schools and make a commitment, we weren’t able to find anything comparable for our little ones. We made the decision to commit to a risky experiment and just ‘see where it took us’ for a time. Granted, this sounds outrageous, but we had the backing and support of our family, one of whom, my father, was a professor at an Ivy League university in the US. School was never off the table, it just didn’t happen for a long time. We were having too much fun absorbing a ton of information, enjoying one another, and acquiring useful life skills along the way.
Our family is privileged enough to be able to sacrifice the benefits of a two income family with fairly minimal impact. Being able to commit to one of us staying home meant a lot of ongoing conversations about work allocation and roles within and without the home. Many times the kids were privy to the negotiations, which instilled the ability to advocate for oneself with kindness and clarity. One parent solely focused on learning alongside the kids and maintaining a home meant freedom to explore our city and take day trips with our community of fellow learners. Home/world/environment learning has grown in popularity over the years and finding friendship and connection is not a challenge. Community building is always possible.
Interest in anything can explode into all sorts of subjects and possibilities; the history and science of Ancient Rome vied with a love of anatomy, or an afternoon listening to or reading novels or fact books. Our children were literate well before they were drawn to the printed page and the incentive for reading stemmed from an authentic and organic desire to access MORE engaging literature and entertaining storytelling. A love for grammar and words was instilled with minimal intervention and effort simply by providing resources and modeling a love of reading and listening.
As the kids grew and matured, they found their niches. My eldest became a beloved facilitator at a forest school just outside of the city and simultaneously fell in love with designing and creating garments. He’s moved onto music and is radically open, and extraordinarily confident about his place in the world. My two eldest daughters decided fairly late in the game to try a bricks and mortar high school for their senior years, the result being two double honors graduates. Our twenty year old is currently in the throes of her second year of university (on campus, finally!), with her younger sister hot on her heels in the fall. Middle child was also able to become a working circus performer and contortionist, and the two youngest are now sitting with identity and pondering their futures based on their passions.
Idyllic right? Cut to our worlds coming to a screeching halt in 2020. Some serious adjustments needed to be made. We were no longer able to ramble, explore and vibe. The three eldest, who had been poised to take off and make their marks, were suddenly curtailed and frustrated. No performances. No first year campus experience. No access to friends, no exciting trips to the States for months at a time to see Grandparents. All of a sudden, life became small. A world of walls and lives on pause. This was most decidedly not the original intent. As the blissfully ignorant blush of the early, kind of cozy and vacation-like days of the pandemic gave way to grinding sameness, copious cracks began to appear. All sorts of parenting crises I never thought I’d have to come face to face with presented themselves.
How did we adjust? One could say that this was what we’d been training for our whole parenting lives. We had been busy prioritizing and cultivating deep love and respect for one another for twenty plus years. We enjoyed being together and hearing one another's opinions and ideas. Over the decades, we’ve enjoyed a lot of zero expectation time together. No performative parenting where one feels watched and evaluated always. There’s always a safe place to process around the dinner table, on the couch, via text or in the van when we’re all facing forwards (the perfect environment for sex questions!).
We cried, struggled, fought, took offense, learned humility and became true friends. All of us. Everyone has had a chance to be fragile and everyone has had a chance to be strong. Walking our kids through the past two years has given me the impetus to cultivate tremendous fortitude and positivity; spiritually, physically and mentally through study, prayer, instituting new habits for my health, and time to reflect and record what was going on in my journal. When I feel like breaking, setting my lifes’ work down and walking away from it, or just plain old giving up on something I still believe wholeheartedly in, I draw on the bank of having taught the kids to be merciful and thoughtful towards me. We had modeled being respectful of time and emotions, so I trust them to extend that back to me. I take some time, we talk about where we are and what the problem is, and we attack it kindly and head on. Walking kids of various ages through the last two years has been no joke, but I like to think that maybe it’s opened up our eyes to the myriad of options when it comes to learning, parenting and partnering with flexibility and grace. Time is personal, and we all need breathing space. As we walk into this chapter of gingerly returning to the Before Times, let’s take a beat to think about what to take into the future with our families. Connection, transparency, safety and most importantly, Love.
Toddlers; Get On Their Level
Oh, The Toddler! Perhaps the second most maligned age group, back seat only to the Teenager. Everyone moans about ‘terrible twos’, precursors to the more intense three year old crew, but all of these little ones are impressive and valuable teachers in their own rights.
From birth to age three, neuroplasticity and brain building are at an all time high. Imagine your mind expanding exponentially, with minimal tools for expression, control and/or desire available to you. This is a completely bananas recipe for utter frustration and unwanted but very warranted anger and freak outs. Add to the mix some sleep and shower deprived adults desirous of carrying on their own lives, and the melange becomes potentially toxic and many times even dangerous.
How can we support these incredible growing people successfully? How do we undergird them and set them up for relational richness without completely losing it along the way? Is it even possible to have a friendly and fun relationship with a toddler, full of ease and humour? Yes, Yes, a million times YES!
We’re told by Jesus Himself to watch and learn when it comes to kids. He never specifies an age group. It’s just children were supposed to model ourselves after when it comes to loving, befriending and trusting Him. Toddlers are utterly at our mercy. An untrustworthy or damaged caregiver can be a matter of life and/or death. A toxic word or two spoken, shouted or whispered from a place of fragile self control sets a kid up for a potential lifetime of belief in a lie that if we’re not careful, humble or awake enough to fix can damage and neutralize them immediately.
Life kicks our butts daily. Our toddlers demonstrate such resilience and strength. They can’t give up and they aren’t able to change their circumstances alone. Our job as parents is to both model the gentleness and presence of the Father AND to learn to lean, minute by minute on our own perfect Parent. When we can open up to the lesson, true change and freedom can begin to do it’s thing.
Something ridiculous but semi fun that always helped me when I was in the thick of it with toddlers, a baby and an older kid all trying to enjoy life together, was to pretend that I was on a television show about how to do whatever it was I/we was/were doing and that the kids were my special guests. I would interview them, explain things and attempt a hilarious level of cordiality with them. Strangely, treating them like people worthy of my kindness and presence worked! Who knew?
Slowing everything down isn’t always possible, obviously, but definitely being able to let go of plans or expectations that seem to be stressing everyone out is always a good idea. We need to ‘go with our gut’ so much and just be okay with it. Maybe staying in bed all day with stories is what’s up. Of course, not everyone is privileged enough to be able to just chill with little ones, so learning to edit and pare down on the activities outside of a regular schedule is just what the doctor ordered. Let them lead as much as your lifestyle permits. Little ones love to be cozy and inhabit familiar spaces. I think that often we assume that they crave adventure and action, when all they want is to be left alone with some Playmobil. Their college admissions aren’t going to be contingent on how many times they were taken to the aquarium at the age of three. Take it easy.
My eldest daughter was a biter and a hitter as a toddler. In every other respect she was a delightful, outgoing, creative and friendly child...as long as you weren’t her size. Her favorite move was the fish hook and my partner and I had to shadow her hard at the playground, in groups, etc. We wondered if we’d ever get to sit down and enjoy a dinner at friends homes without having to shadow our tiny gangster around in order to make sure she didn’t draw blood from anyone under five. We tried to reason with her, which was laughable. We placed her in her room and waited for sad remonstrations of remorse which were NOT forthcoming. She would sit or play cheerily and would call out ‘Hi Daddy!’ when she’d see him peeking in to see if she was composing any apologies. Finally, we just decided that what was right now our kryptonite was clearly her superpower and that the best solution was to continue to model and explain empathy and kindness and keep others safe to the best of our abilities. Now my twenty year old firecracker is a tenacious, energetic and clever academic go-getter. We need to see the good, foster trust and be smart and innovative with our little ones. I think Miranda mentioned on one of the podcast episodes that she remembers being at the Toronto Zoo when our kids were small and my daughter was looking like she was on the edge of something. I have zero recollection of saying ‘Rosie, do you need to punch my jacket?’ which was folded up on the seat beside me and not on me, but I am very impressed with my Toddler Wisdom! Again, go with your gut.
Community Commiseration is another vital survival tool. Find. Your. People. People with toddlers! I frequented drop in centres for little ones and met some stellar friends. Hit up the park in any season and find parents who are looking for companionship. Cultivate relationships with people who are in the same season you are. The outdoors is your friend, particularly now during Covid times.
Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen. When I say ‘talk’, I don’t mean the oversimplified, silly way people normally speak to small children. Raise the bar and use regular language. Let them ask you questions about yourself. We really sell these small people short when it comes to conversation, so really listen and answer sincerely and honestly. Every response is an invitation to more communication and understanding that flows both ways and builds the infrastructure of relationship. I often asked my toddlers for mercy when I was feeling crummy or tired. They’d ask what that meant, I’d explain, and they’d extend it to the best of their abilities for as long as they were able. That meant so much and in turn informed my ability to be merciful to them.
Introduce soothing music, not the jangly ‘kid’ music that's marketed to them. My eldest loved to listen to ‘Pirates of Penzance’ as a little one and would sit, wrapt, by the beauty of the sounds he was hearing. Try lots of different sounds and styles. Jim Weiss’ audiobooks for little ones are charming and sweet also.
Ask the Lord for ENERGY, wisdom, and LOVE for your toddlers. We have not because we ask not. It’s that simple. Ask to be able to see them the way Jesus does. He has a bottomless well of patience, and a ton of hacks up His sleeve for you! Listen to and receive from Him like a kid. He’s your source of all creativity and wherewithal when it comes to dealing with these precious people. They’re trying so hard to be a part of the world they were born into and don’t understand. We need to be conscientious about remembering that they’re just new here and they’re small. They’ve been entrusted to us and we’re their tour guides. They are remarkably forgiving, forever curious, totally invested in the now, and are our deepest and most talented teachers. We are to watch and learn. God is our Source and apart from Him, we have nothing. We’re little, He’s big. And please, for the love of all things holy, don’t talk about what a nightmare your kid is over the top of their head! We have to model self control so that our little people learn it. Ask for and activate your self control. Breathe. Be authentic. Ask them for what you need and they just might surprise you. It may take a few tries, but it is eminently possible to instil grace and compassion by modelling.
God, please give us zeal to understand our little ones and real time solutions in dealing with them and their big feelings and needs! Fill us with wisdom, discernment, peace and compassion for ourselves as we do our days with them. Please lavish us with flexibility, openness, curiosity and humour. We choose LOVE and liveliness. We choose Your eyes, hands, voice, choices, speech, problem solving and communication, Jesus. Help us to triumph in days that are long and years that are short. We decide right now to treasure this time with our tiny people and access the energy and inspiration of Jesus when we’re in the trenches with them. Amen.
Next Level
Here’s what I’m learning these days: In parenting and beyond, celebrating and propagating the Kingdom of Heaven has nothing to do with avoidance, alarm, or fortress mentality and everything to do with opening up to, and cultivating the perspective of Jesus for everyone and everything. Fear and freak out take up the real estate of LOVE, courageous foresight and faith.
A fortress mentality maintains that one is consistently under attack and therefore refuses to listen to any criticism, constructive or otherwise. It rejects views that do not fit within the safety of tradition, of learned and comfortable positions or goals. This seems to be the perceived appropriate stance of many who attempt to steward/parent young people. Young people are thought to be either the actual enemy, or they’re wittingly or unwittingly aligned with the enemy.
I believe that the Kingdom of Heaven is HERE. Jesus is present, not far away wishing He could come close and give us a hand, but we’re just doing such a crappy job that that would be an impossibility. He is utterly willing and able to shift vision and speak to mindsets and behaviors that lift and inform rather than judge harshly and fearfully build shaky and breachable fences. Letting go of the learned activity of fear and embracing freedom and enjoyment can feel uncomfortable, but it is within your grasp. Jesus came to take captivity captive, so I refuse to allow my relationships with my teenagers and young adults to feel constricting or frustrating. Focusing on the Good and magnifying it in prayer rather than standing before the Father saying ‘do You see what I hafta deal with over here?!’ builds the beautiful and compassionate people that I KNOW I’m dealing with!
As of June 8th, 2021, I have spent two solid months of constantly, consistently, and with mounting gratitude, standing on the wall of Intercession on behalf of my kids’ spiritual health, freedom, journeys and relationships with their God, with specific attention to their one on one, vertical and personal communication and holy spirit connection. I’ve always prayed for them, but this time, I decided to focus only on the gifts, and not what I thought should be happening.
I have daily released any grasping, control or shame and rejected any attempts to ruffle my feathers or my own perceptions with regards to behaviour or choices that don’t jive with my ‘brand’ as a Mom Person who follows Jesus. I know that my kids know how crucial they are to the age that they are lovingly and strategically placed in. I am certain that they have an ease of relationship with their Source and protector that began years and years ago and is unshakeable as a result of lived miracles and answers to their childhood prayers. I hear their beautiful expressions of an unconventional and creative friendship with their forever Parent and I marvel at their flexibility and vision with regards to actively keeping their Creator out of the box we’re so used to attempting to squash Him into. They understand the quotidian miracle of wind, skin cells, leaves, food, air, their involuntary nervous systems, and words. They see coincidences and serendipitous happenstances as the Holy Spirit interventions and communications they truly are.
I am sometimes shocked by my lack of shockability. I remember being a teenager and young adult with some minor and poorly informed inklings of the reality of God, and thinking “I know that what I’m DOING is stupid, but I’m not actually an idiot. I DO know better. I just have to try/do this.” It’s odd to have a ringside seat to someone you’d take a million bullets for trying the same sorts of things with one major difference...they love Jesus. Weird, right? How can someone love Jesus but experiment with things that would seem so other? Why am I not more freaked out?
I have no fear because I see and hear their Faith. They know that God's hand delivers their next breath and heartbeat. They understand that the molecules and atoms they stand on in real time were created by and are currently maintained by the Lover of their souls. They reach out to Him daily and realize that they are seen, whatever they’re doing, and on some level, probably way more deeply than I was able to articulate it to myself, “Sure, I’m doing something intensely unorthodox, but that doesn’t negate Your love for me.” The comportment conversation is one they are more than able to have with their God, in His perfect timing.
I have no doubt that everything we journey through builds our authority, compassion and understanding. Every trial and screw up, every fork we’ve ever stuck into a plugged in toaster, every ridiculous thing we’ve ever walked into with our believing eyes open is able to be redeemed and used for deliverance, authority and restoration.
I’m not freaked out because I see the intercession and charity that goes on behind the scenes. I see the love and honour of Jesus radically demonstrated to ones who pass as ‘unloveable’ or scary. I see the heart and the snuggling and valuing of the homeless, and the fierce and fiery zeal for justice that burns inside of them for their nation and its People. I see their desolation over little ones cast aside like garbage when they needed their families and their traditions. I see and experience the deep respect and honouring of people of all ages and walks of life that they display daily.
The prayers, declarations and intentions released over and into my children are growing tremendous fruit. The unfolding and maturation of faith is beautiful to watch, in every season, when we are able to embody trust and wisdom. When we don’t have to attack every little ‘win’ with a ‘how did that make you feel? What was the Lord doing there?’ BARF! That’s the worst. For real. Trust me.
All we’re required to do is create with our words, our love and our intentions, a spiritual infrastructure and ecosystem that germinates, grows, blooms and flourishes in and over them. I latch onto the positive, God given qualities and thank Him, repeatedly, for all of these things. Out of these details grows more revelation about who my kids are and why they’re here. More Blessings, more ability for me to love with burning authenticity. When we look beyond the gutter to the horizon and choose to bless and not curse, we are released from captivity over and over again. We have got to see well. We need to travel beyond human perception and be juggernauts of Faith and Trust! As my friend Barb said recently, we can’t be looking straight at Joseph and only see Egypt. We must see process and purpose and we can’t be scared.
The fact of the matter is that we all share a Good Father. It’s what He wants to be. We’re here to love and be loved. We experiment, we screw up, we make weird decisions that aren’t the best. If God can get past it, so can I. The Love is real, and it’s SO much deeper and safer and more wild and alive than we can possibly perceive...Walk into it and exist from inside of the column of unshakeable protection and Goodness. You’re one decision away from an ever expanding Peace for yourself and for your children that is impossible to articulate.
The Legacy of a Sound Mind
Prior to sitting down to compose this post, and as the result of a momentary and shockingly negative, uncomfortable and very temporary deep dive into insecurity and fear, I was reminded of a question Miranda posed recently; ‘what is my legacy?’.
The goal of my life is to live authentically with my people, and to be my true and genuine self. No hiding, no dishonesty and no false identity, particularly when it comes to walking alongside my partner and my children. In wondering what I left behind me yesterday, what I will leave behind me next year, and how I will be remembered long after I’m gone by my family, I was left pondering my own legacy. What am I currently building with my process that is my children’s inheritance? What is the gift that I give in the now and that I leave for the future?
When we all sit and remember and laugh and mull over the memories together, there are genuine treasures of sweet times, frustrating and negative experiences that I long to be able to erase and do over, and wild and impactful things that I have zero recollection of but are so dear when I hear my kids narrate their experiences of. This is so valuable, to have the trust of these people, who feel safe enough to share the joy and triumph of childhood, but also the hurt and pain that has long been forgiven, but is important to sift through and remember in order to never replicate. Often the negative souvenirs are things like me having exploded over something as trivial as misplaced library materials, which to an adult who is carrying a baby on her hip, keeping a toddler alive, and trying to be the best person she can be to other big and not so big people, is kind of par for the course, but to a child is scary and seared into the memory bank. Ouch.
I want the legacy that I leave to be one of candid processes. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I want to model, to the very best of my abilities, a ferocious and active intention to reject and dismantle a spirit of fear, and an embrace and openness to power, love, self control and a sound mind. This is never an overnight miracle, but a journey of grace.
My declaration and decision is to leave in my wake, for generations, the Legacy of a Sound Mind. I choose to cultivate the habits of active and evolving kindness and compassion for myself and for others. I choose to run hard after hunger and curiosity for and about my Creator, I choose to be dogged in my friendship and openness to Him and build the interior infrastructure necessary to be the Real Me. I understand that my God given identity is an advancing and blossoming process that I can then model and share with my family.
I daily remind myself of my value and beauty, inside and out. I firmly decide to speak with honour about my intelligence, abilities and specific talents and I refuse to stress about human time. My course is continually guided by the One who never sleeps, who performs so many staggering acts of Justice per millisecond that we cannot possibly perceive His goodness and focus. I refuse to channel any doubt as to my merit or design.
Day after day I speak the Word like medicine over my mind and the minds of my family. I ask for wisdom with regards to my nourishment, body, mind and spirit. I set my mind like flint on the horizon, while still retaining the ability to revel in the present without shame or parental freak outs. He is in control. When we keep returning, when we keep asking, keep trusting, keep applying Jesus and when we don’t quit, we win.
Negative self talk will never perpetuate a culture of value and honour within your family culture. You hold the power to change the course of history with your decisions, your habits and your way of speaking to and about yourself. You are created for such a time as NOW, and your purpose is to love and be loved as you move through your life with wisdom and authority. As you pick up and put down tasks, assignments and jobs, you cling to the only Rock worthy of seeing you through with flying colours. Our access to power and triumph is as big or as small as we want it to be.
Give yourself permission to grow. Search yourself. What are you interested in? What do you care about? It doesn’t matter if anyone else cares about it one iota. Nobody in my family is interested in shark behaviour and that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Sharks matter to me. Big time.
As a result of a deep desire to inhabit my world well and to leave memories of Sam/Mom as a person who was always busy BEING, I have spent the last fourteen months creating habits with God that will further inform my mental health and spiritual maturity and echo into eternity. It is eminently doable.
At the beginning of my walk into/with prayer and intercession in 2009, it was ultra boring, but the promise was, if I stuck with it, conversation and openness to the Holy Spirit would launch me into vistas and experiences that would change the course of my life and the lives of my family members. If I sat and meditated with Scripture, it would open to me and become a crazy paradox of solid and never changing, yet constantly brand new information and revelation that was always applicable to my specific situations. The intentions and habits begun over a decade ago, and honed and focused on hard this year have opened a door that can never be shut. Struggle with identity is fleeting and obvious. I know what I have to do. Any attack, any attempt to rob me of my birthright is one choice away from being banished into oblivion. My mind is a garden that I get to release from futility and stagnation over and over and over again.
I choose a sound mind. I choose a deep, undisturbed, secure and healthy mind. I access the Mind of Jesus; the most positive, free, flexible, clever, sharp mind that has ever existed. How miraculous is that, that we have direct access to a mind that is constantly advocating, never foggy, tired or depleted?
This is my legacy; a mind drenched in the Blood, informed by Jesus, taught by the Holy Spirit, and curated and calmed by my Father. I’ve messed up a ton as a partner and parent, but the greatest miracle of all is the constant do over. He keeps feeding my brain and inspiring my learning, facilitating and modelling. He never fails to energize, stimulate and encourage me, even in the pockets that still need help and still hold onto stuff they don’t need. He is Process and Mercy.
I come back again and again to the last line in Mary Olivers’ poem The Summer Day:
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Or, in the words of Oscar Wilde: Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
An Alternative to Wall Punching
Oh boy, late blog post alert! I was recently pondering how I’d react with and inhabit the gratitude I’ve been constantly going on and on about when the actual crap hit the fan...what happens to the parental gratitude taps when things are going sideways? Juuust when I decided to implement very specific daily gratitude declarations over each one of my children, of course all hell broke loose. Relationships were in jeopardy. Feelings were hurt, and things were said that needed addressing. Now that I know how to look at negative occurrences, however, particularly when I’m embarking upon something that has serious potential in the spirit to unleash tremendous liberty and build up those relationships, things come into focus remarkably quickly. OF COURSE there will be instances of freak out and friction as a result of my decision to cultivate a habit of intense gratitude for each of my kids on the daily. Of course things will seem wildly off course and irretrievable to the naked eye. Gladly, I know better. I know that taking a beat in order to pull back and adjust the lens through which I’m looking, to ask for help and discernment in order to align it with the Father’s mind, heart and wisdom, will bring immediate clarity and calm. Storms mean serious battle and this is why I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am really onto something big. There is tremendous ground to be taken, and Gratitude is a massive Breaker in the Spirit realm.
Saying ‘thank you’ seems like such a tiny thing, particularly if it’s just part of your household culture. It’s just what you say. It’s kind. It’s the correct thing to say when someone opens the door for you, serves you a meal, picks you up after a class or hands you something. It sometimes feels too little to be lavish, when we want to make grand statements or gestures in order to pour out our grateful hearts to a Big God. But believe this; when we say ‘thank you’, over and over, and allow it to begin to mean more to us than we ever thought it would, those two words become a door to another place inside of us which holds the power to impact our interior and exterior ecosystem. They become a key that unlocks our hearts and causes us to cleave to a Person who is SO invested in us, so present for us, so eager to communicate with us, that it becomes overwhelming and gigantic. It becomes a natural response to all things. A preemptive ‘thank you’ when we need something, big or tiny, becomes what’s on our lips, because He is wise enough to know what to do, even if it doesn’t make a bit of sense to us in the moment. It alleviates frustration with a kid or a partner. It becomes a mindset and a health informing place of standing, and it builds our faith, our steadfastness and our vision beyond our wildest dreams. Gratitude is a miracle building miracle, even when things seem at their crappiest.
The day after beginning a new project, in which I had begun to sit with what I’m grateful to God about regarding each one of my kids and really going to town with it, along comes massive misunderstanding, wild and untrue assumptions run rampant, and a rollercoaster ride of big emotions kicks into high gear. Seriously, I haven’t cried that much in years. Thankfully, I had some Preparation H kicking around that I could apply to my Muppet eyes in order to lead a Zoom prayer call later in the afternoon without having to explain why suddenly I was eye-less.
As a result of the past years’ decisions to go all in with my relationship with Jesus and to really listen to Him and befriend Him with everything I’ve got, I was able to isolate the issue; the enemy hates Gratitude. He hates our examination of and focus on the Goodness of an unchangeable Force of Power and Beauty that is utterly personal and available. Discord and anger are the preferred state and it drives him bananas when we put Gratitude under a microscope and begin to unpack it in order to come closer to the One who means everything and holds all Authority, Purpose, Peace, Joy and Abundant Life in His hands, ready, willing and able to pour it out lavishly. When the result of the habit of Gratitude is personal peace that surpasses our understanding, relationships cannot help but flourish, regardless of normal human crises or foibles that are sometimes unavoidable. My intention to articulate and embody Gratitude to God for the gifts that are my kids was causing an attack on the very thing I was choosing to lift and celebrate. How easy would it have been for me to feel like an utter fraud and failure? Very. Happily, I now know better and reject utterly the attempt to rob me of connection and opportunity. The strategy of attack was so obvious and circumnavigable.
Humility has never been my best thing. Is it kind of awful that I’d always been semi low key pleased with myself that it wasn’t? Didn’t that mean that I was a tough guy, that I held myself to a higher standard? Wasn’t it proof that I valued myself? It wasn’t even on the list of things to work on or desire. Now, I am beginning to understand the currency of heaven and that attaching ourselves to Him brings organic and authentic character change that I never thought possible. Change in ways I wasn’t even aware of, since I was focusing on other things that appealed to me about Him and His kingdom. Now I am starting to see that true toughness, true grit and stamina in the Spirit are a result of deep humility and reliance, constant connection and a compassionate heart.
It’s okay to have to deal with broken things. It doesn’t mean it’s all for naught. It means that you’re onto something and that you have an opportunity to be wildly tenacious and to give Jesus yet another John 11:15 opportunity to display what He’s capable of, specifically for you and your crew.
Preemptive Gratitude is needed periodically. Give thanks when you can’t see why you should.
It’s okay to sit in the pile of brokenness and reach out from that place of pain and humility in order to give Him a chance to shine. Our tears are collected, catalogued and valued by Him, and when we cry from that place of utter desperation and helplessness, the response isn’t far behind. I’ve seldom ever said to Him “I’m so sad and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Please help me. Thank You”. I’ve always tried to be resilient and strong. The crisis that I was incapable of fixing beget an incredible deepening of relationship and brought more breakthrough and communication into my friendships with and understanding of my older kids.
Of course my passion and purpose was attacked, but instead of succumbing to shame, I gave thanks. I asked for help. I literally cried for restoration from a place of needing to be a kid before Him and thank Him before I saw Him move.
This is such a simple and childlike hack that it seems too good to be true. Saying ‘thank You’ feels little and lame the first few times you do it, but it grows into powerful and beautiful ammunition for any attempted take down. It informs your choices, your self talk, your perceptions and your relationships. Thanksgiving builds inner strength and resilience, and takes your Faith into places you’ve never thought possible. Gratitude deepens the adventure and opens up channels of power and possibility in the face of weakness and disappointment. Acknowledging His goodness and willingness to intervene, and being okay with whatever that means, is our key to living a life of fire and humility, to experiencing freedom on an unprecedented scale. So begin with a tiny ‘thank You’, and watch it change your life.
Using Your Tools
Lately, I’ve been making a point of parking myself in a book of the Bible and staying there until it’s language has become my prayer. The miracle of Scripture is that it is constantly active, consistently applicable, unchanging, and yet always new and relevant. Hanging with a book, verse, or series of verses until they permeate your life brings revelation, multiple perspective shifts and tremendous and sneaky healing of reactions, mindsets and assumptions about the nature of God and about other people and their motives and behaviour. We seem always to jump to wrong or jaded conclusions, and ingesting and speaking the Word has a profound impact on our ways of truly seeing the lives of others and allows our thoughts to be flooded with the Compassion, empathy, wisdom and love of Jesus. He is a gentle Guy, but He also takes no crap, and we have access to the entirety of His being...He lives to inform and to heal our lives in impactful and real ways. Becoming steeped in Scripture is the jumping off place. Jesus is the Living Expression of His Father. He is the Word, alive, active and sharp. He is true nourishment and comfort. He wants nothing more than to befriend and speak to us via His Word and it is a veritable miracle that we can pick up, read, absorb and apply the very character and nature of Jesus to our own lives, in real time.
I wanted to share a practical hack that I use in order to bring Scripture into my own personal ecosystem and to allow it to inhabit me in an authentic, real and utterly next level miraculous way. Like I said, I’ve taken to just being in the presence of His wisdom without ripping on to the next verse or ‘ daily reading’. Please don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with using a guide or daily devotional, but right now, I am passionate about Jesus as The Word living in my Spirit, my mind and my mouth, so I’m staying put until it organically lives in me and I actually feel it changing me for the better, becoming my language and bringing clarity to my eyes and my brain. The original feeling of ‘slogging through’, or being bored by the Word dissipates almost immediately and I am utterly captivated by the story of the Life of our world and beyond.
Since September 7th 2020, I’ve been speaking Psalms 51 and 91 over my family. I’ve been meditating on the Proverbs daily. Verses and books have added themselves to my roster and I’ve fallen in love. Daily reading and daily asking for these scriptures to hit differently and resonate more deeply have changed my life. I’ve delved into different translations, I’ve finally paid serious attention to all of the little numbers next to seemingly no-brainer words and let myself be amazed. Declaring Psalm 90:1-2 daily can’t help but place you in a state of utter awe: “Yahweh, You have always been our eternal home, a hiding place from generation to generation. Long before You gave birth to the earth and before the mountains were ever born, You have been from everlasting to everlasting, the one and ONLY TRUE GOD.”
Here’s how I’m perceiving/praying the book of Colossians after I’ve sat with it for a month:
God, today I’m choosing to be a carrier of the unshakeable expectation of awesome things, regardless of what I see/read/watch/hear about what may be going on. I choose to be completely energized with the explosive power of Jesus. I’m a receiver of the pleasure of God over my life and the lives of my partner and kids. I want to be a reservoir of wisdom, discernment and understanding. God, please give me willingness to be totally open to knowing You and experiencing You fully, joyfully and gratefully, minute by minute today. I am restored, reconnected, miraculously full of Peace, flooded with the expectation of Glory, embedded in Hope, awake and wrapped in the tremendous comfort of heaven.
I choose to be open to revelation and connection with You, Holy Spirit. I will be present, infused with strength, encouraged in every way, super firmly established in faith and enriched by devotion and worship. I want to be awake, alert and overflowing with the fullness of God. I place myself and my family under the Authority and Kingship of Jesus of Nazareth. We are raised, nourished and sustained by the same outrageous Power that raised Jesus from death. We are resurrected, forgiven and ALIVE!
God, I am free and qualified. I’m going to hold onto the True Source and access Your vitality! I am unfettered by Religion or ritual. I focus on, feast on and fill my thoughts with Your kingdom reality, alive and one with You in Glory, dead to sin, vice free, full of pure, authentic focus and praise. I am a completely new creation. I love You, Jesus. I speak this over myself, my family, my neighbourhood, my city, province, country, etc...today. Amen.
This has become such a deep part of my life. Daily, I am excited to apply the Word to my family, to myself and to my world. All of creation groans and waits for us to partner with a Divine God in order to release it from it’s futility, not from a place of religious obligation, but from a place of Wonder and Peace. These aren’t just words! They are Power! They shift realities. We all have a critical part to play in releasing the truth of the Beauty Realm and it can be exactly what you’re capable of today. Start with the Lords’ Prayer. I always brushed it off as boring, Sunday Schoolish stuff, when in reality; it’s JESUS TEACHING US TO PRAY! That’s HUGE! We often feel reticent about changing scripture to just regular, personal language, but He loves when we make it our very own and speak to Him in His language from our own mouths, spirits and minds.
So, right now God, I release passion and zeal for You as Your Word right now! Give us such a sense of honour and wonder for it and make us truly amazing and authentic stewards of Your language and Your beautiful heart. For those who have preconceived ideas or misconceptions about it based on lies they’ve believed about it, give them curiosity and lead them further up and further in. Give us zeal for research. Display Your kindness, sweetness, intensity, reliability and wildness in the pages where You promise You’ll be found and guide us to the exact right spots today. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
Gentle Survival Strategies For Living and Thriving Alongside Little Ones
With my days of infants and toddlers in the rearview mirror, it’s often all too easy to look back at them with romantic nostalgia and longing and forget about the reality of awaking daily in a state of creeping existential dread and terminal exhaustion. Having spent years in the trenches with small people, and giving it my all, I’ve come away with some deep hacks for thriving and enjoying the moments and the days both honestly and wholeheartedly...while still understanding that occasional overwhelm and the simple need for unbroken sleep and body autonomy are still a thing.
Remember that crazy moment when the midwives leave, your own parent or designated helper drives off into the sunset and/or your partner takes off for their all of a sudden enviable ‘paradise’ of a calm, quiet commute and adult work that doesn’t involve someone else’s fluids and includes things like breaks, lunch, and private bathroom time? Remember that awesome feeling of utter panic creeping up your face that is truly otherworldly, and not in a good way? Me too.
Thankfully, you settle into a workable rhythm of waking and semi-sleeping. Of just rolling up your sleeves and diving into the work of parenting a small and very needy person. It almost instantly becomes part of your identity, and it feels weird leaving the house without them without a signifier that claims you as ‘MOM’ for everyone to see. “Who am I now?” “Am I the same person I was?”. Becoming comfortable reclaiming oneself while still being proud of a new and seemingly all consuming role takes some practice, time, and habitual and private truth telling, while at the same time actively rejecting the lies that we’re groomed to believe about our bodies, contributions to society, purpose and desirability, which are empowered and exacerbated by sleep deprivation and tremendous vulnerability. Not a tall order at all, amiright? Remembering that I’m still me, and my desires, proclivities, talents and interests haven’t changed, they’ve just broadened, is crucial. All of these things still matter and so do I. I needed to focus on what it takes to continue to be a more complex and intentional version of Me as I stepped into something wild and deep and numbingly tiring. Thankfully, God is always interested in speaking to Identity and enrobing us in the truth about ourselves as we access His voice and give Him space to speak...while changing diapers, walking, nursing or reading stories, I cultivated the ability to read aloud AND go into a state of receptivity from God that’s difficult to define or articulate. I just opened myself up to His presence during that time and was able to mentally and spiritually multitask in a relaxed and edifying way.
Another odd thing that threatened Identity and the ability to just be comfortable as a new parent was the fact that, twenty odd years ago, when I was busy having babies, it was odd to see a Mom who wasn’t wearing the Mom Uniform of cute t-shirt, cargo pants and sensible haircut. As soon as my husband and I found out we were expecting, hair was cut, piercings came out and we figured we’d better start at least looking the part of respectable, clean cut, average parents. Don’t worry, that didn’t last too long. It wasn’t authentic or comfortable and we quickly jettisoned our uniforms that were fooling nobody when we started to feel like we were playing dressing up every day.
As we settled into parenting in a genuine and real way that felt right to us, we soon learned that what wasn’t helpful in the slightest was the easy out of blame and competition. “You have it so good, you have NO idea” “I have a way harder job.” “You don’t understand”, “I WISH I could stay at home/walk by myself to a place where I get to sit down by myself every day.”, launched us into the most challenging time in our marriage. It’s still difficult for me to remember to make space for his different way of parenting in a way that feels right to him. You’re seldom told that once you have a baby, sleep deprivation, culture shock and time focused solely on keeping another person alive sort of sucks the air out of appreciating or desiring your partner. It would’ve helped immeasurably for someone to have told us to be vigilant in protecting our relationship through the early years, and to provide strategies and permission to be merciful to ourselves and each other.
Learning to take the step to just “be that guy”, to step up in humility and acknowledge, apologize and/or simply appreciate one another and the work that we did was like salve to our relationship. It cleared the air so we could see each other well. We learned to ask other people for help, advice or relief when we were struggling. We sought out a community of pals whose kids all enjoyed one another and spent HOURS in imaginative play while we savoured stillness and nourishing conversation and laughter. We brought little ones (safely) into our bed so that we could maximize our sleep, and got creative with intimacy locations and timing. God is so IN this! He is able to connect us with our people if we’d just ask Him for help. I recall simply saying “God, my kids need some really great friends and so do I. Please show us where and who they are.” He is all about connection, relationship and unity.
When we began to seek out Jesus and allow Him to inform our parenting, we applied the Word to our lives and experienced a dramatic shift in our energy levels, our moods, our ways of seeing one another and our ways of speaking with and to our kids. My favourite scripture to speak over myself was and still is “The Joy of the Lord is MY strength!”. It’s helpful often to delve deep into different translations and specific words God uses and to speak them differently to yourself daily. “God, Your tremendous and deep seated satisfaction, Hope, wholeness, triumph, radiance and Peace are my outrageous ability to withstand any challenge coming my way today!”. Accessing the miraculous energy, passion, problem solving abilities, patience and kindness of Jesus is eminently possible! We have not because we forget to ask. Cultivate the habit of connecting with God upon rising and practice staying connected. That doesn’t mean walk around with your eyes shut in a state of oblivious unconcern for what’s going on around you. It means that He’s on your mind and you’re communicating about everything in your own way and your own time. He’s informing your life and imparting wisdom and ability in real time.
Nowadays, when parents ask me what sort of curriculum or program they should be using for their preschool or kindergarten age kids, I redirect them from stressed out concern about academic prowess, which will absolutely come,to focusing instead on building the Character of their children. Character is the foundation of a healthy parent-kid relationship,for now and for the future. Modelling, informing and instructing them in mercy, mannerliness and kindness ensures that you’ve made your job so much easier and more pleasurable. You’re building people who are a pleasure to be around. I modelled forthrightness, assertiveness, gentleness and ferocity so that they would see me inhabiting myself with authenticity, and being aware and respectful of the needs and thoughts of others. This is easy to do when we let go of the ‘us v them’ vibe that is so easy to slip into when we make fun of kids over their heads to one another, when we see them as annoying or problematic, when we diminish their voices and ignore subtext and needs. My goal was and still is to see my children as whole people, worthy of respect and friendship. When needs are met and eye contact, a peaceful voice and trustworthy loyalty is demonstrated, when you are a reliable and safe place, the need or trigger for any sort of extreme punishment or weird popular strategy for discipline falls by the wayside. To discipline is to lead, to disciple, to direct and to teach. When you know someone well and you can provide true honour and support, they are so zealous to extend their honour and love, regardless of age.
Sometimes it can feel embarrassing to simply stand by and let your child be angry or sad. Take a deep breath and focus on your chill. Be present. Being a supportive, prayerful, kind presence diffuses any rage out eventually, and then you can talk about it together and perhaps hash out some solutions or hacks to avoid future freak outs…”That really upset you, huh? What do you think would be helpful next time?”. One day they’ll be bigger and will need to have the tools of self awareness and control, peace, openness, humility and unashamed access to their emotions, knowing that someone isn’t put off or angered by their humanity. Remember that you carry the Authority of Jesus to impact your environment (both interior and exterior), and your kids. You have the power and right to give spiritual orders, make decisions regarding and enforce the obedience of and over anything that’s harassing or bothering your kids. “I declare the PEACE that surpasses all human understanding over - right now, in Jesus' Name. I speak the Mind of Jesus into and over - now and ask that you enrobe her/him in security, love, abundant ability to recover and to articulate what’s going on right now…’ ‘Anything that’s trying to ruin his/her day, get lost now, in Jesus’ Name’. Little ones aren’t out to get us, they're just simply….little. Often they’re seeing and perceiving things we’re not able to and they don’t have the vocabulary, or often the support or understanding of the ones who can’t pick up on things the way they do.
We’re all growing up together and God doesn’t just leave us holding the bag, standing on the corner with a kid and wondering what just happened to us! He’s standing by, the ultimate Parent, waiting to chime in with wisdom and goodness and poised to lavish us with energy, ability and zeal for even the most mundane seeming task. He sees and appreciates the nobility of the quotidian in ways that we don’t and I am SO grateful for that. God, please open up new channels of communication for all of these young parents with small people. Please give them fresh eyes for their families and a brand new openness and freedom with their kids that they’ve never experienced before. Please release revelation about the value of unseen labour. Help all of us, big, medium and small, to understand our very specific importance and purpose. We are here to be loved and love in return. Free us, Jesus, from the tyranny of our expectations and assumptions about our kids and about ourselves as parents! You are enough for us every day and we receive everything You have for us, moment by moment, as needed. Thank You.
Circumnavigating Turbulence
When it comes to peacefully parenting teenagers and ushering them into maturity, proactively and preemptively deciding to reject disconnect, confusion, frustration and misunderstanding seems like a no-brainer. In reality, we’re all human beings who live with and around other human beings, and our fall back state, if we’re not vigilant to avoid it, seems to be one of immediate offence and self focus. How does this make me look? How does this make me feel? This is unfamiliar and scary. Why are my teenagers doing this to me?! Perceiving the home as a spiritual rock polisher is often helpful...I have the opportunity to have my sharp places and dullness removed as a result of regular proximity, constant growth and action. It’s all about choices and ways of seeing.
When it comes to this people group and the ones who love them, we’ve got to pick a lane; Wisdom or Freak Out? Our human propensity for freak out is merely a manifestation of our own pain, fear and/or insecurity combined with the constant dark projections of a world focused on the worst case scenario and the added pressure of overseeing the very ordinary growth of people who have one foot in adventure, questing,individuality and possibility and the other in the desire for safe, familiar parental love and touch. “What if?” often screams the loudest when we aren’t habitually and faithfully requesting wholeness and intervention purely for the sake of natural releasing, beauty, relationship and mystery for our kids rather than line towing, religious, man pleasing behaviour that makes us somehow think we look like successful parents.
Praying, modelling and speaking the incredible revolutionary freedom of the Source of All Things for my kids really has changed the game over here, not only for them, but for my own heart and for our relationships as well. Intervention, Peace, Realignment and a further beckoning into the mystery and multi faceted realms of Jesus gives us parents authentic, fear free fascination and faith and gets us out of the way in order to give Him the time and space required to allow Him to operate in the lives and spirits of our kids. When we’re in love with Him, we’re attached to Him. When we’re attached to Him, we can access His beautiful mind frame of security and possibility. In His presence it’s impossible to freak out.
Wisdom, on the other hand, is the zeal for knowledge and understanding accompanied by the flexibility and instinct to apply it in real time, with real people. Being desirous of wisdom opens us up to discernment with regards to communication; What would be helpful to say or do in this situation? “What does my kid need from me right now?” cancels out “What would feel good to unleash on them right now?”. “I’m sorry that happened to you.” “Do you just want to sit with me and be still?” “Let’s go for a walk.” “Can I please just hug you?” “I’ll just let you be alone. Please alert me when you’re ready to talk. No pressure.” “I apologize.” “I love you.”
Strategy-wise, wielding the Word and understanding that it actually does the work is so liberating and exciting. Proverbs is the play book for wisdom, full of inspiration and promise. When you PLAN for peace, you’re filled with Joy...when I anticipate, expect and receive peace for my family and for myself, I am filled with the wholeness and satisfaction of God. He loves us. He’s here.That’s enough.
To be wise is to be teachable, open, unafraid of dialogue or process. The lovers of God who converse with Him are filled with good ideas and strategies for healthy relationships. We’re invited to be filled with loving words and positive perceptions. Our kindness and open hand attract favour and blessing. We become completely empowered for abundant living in every facet of our lives as a result of attempting to speak and behave the way Jesus does.
A desire and zeal for Wisdom causes us to become reservoirs of understanding, energized with explosive power and stamina, infused with strength and overflowing with gratitude. It shifts our vision from one of fearful, clenched paranoia into one of unshakeable belief in the oversight and incredible redemption of Jesus for every single person. He waits patiently with an open heart for everyone, no matter what. Our teenagers aren’t ever out of His sight. He holds so much mercy for them and for us in our shared humanity. His timing is His own and it’s perfect. He longs to lead us into deeper depths of mercy and compassion and to display His wonders. He celebrates our identities and loves when we call one another higher from a place of sweetness, not alarm, frustration, self consciousness or panic.
His strategies and problem solving abilities are unparalleled and completely available. His perceptions are perfect and often turn what we thought of as problematic or troublesome upside down. When we see the Good and reinforce it, via our words, prayers and choices, His plans and purposes become more visible. His Hope and foresight are unleashed into our lives and the lives of our kids. Jesus, we want to see and think the way You do, especially about our kids! We want to embody Your welcoming spirit and let every part of us engage with Your feelings for them!
Often, a mindful rejection of the negativity and lies that we are tricked into telling ourselves about our kids, and the things that concern or bother us about them is extraordinarily helpful. “I decide and choose to see my kids the way You do. 100%.” This doesn’t mean that we aren’t able to see their humanity, struggle, dumb decisions or fallibility...we just see it through the lens of Heaven and apply, and bathe it in prayer and thanksgiving for the privilege of bringing all junk to the feet of Jesus and straight up leaving it there. All screw ups become testimony and authority and inform a grateful heart when we’ve apologized and He’s cleaned it up.
Daily reinforcing their value, no strings attached, and connecting in a fresh way goes a long way to build trust and friendship. Praying prayers of comfort, edification and exhortation with one another, for one another, every morning allows them to flex that muscle of compassion for us. Private, intimate prayers free of manipulation and/or religious posturing are so deep and open such a well of possibility and receptivity. His reality is free to flow. Their very specific identities as kings and priests within their sphere is solidified. Self worth and empathy are reinforced. God celebrates and speaks. We stand back and stop attempting to dominate and puppet master, and are refreshed and released from the captivity of control. Everybody wins.
We can’t be afraid of these precious ones, or the journeys they’re on. They are going to make wrong turns, bad calls and uncomfortable choices. Our job is to be there. Pray. Speak life and hold the space. Our love is miniscule and conditional in comparison to their Fathers’. Let’s decide to trust it and live from it. He is pure Goodness and His love never fails, forsakes, leaves the building, looks away, gives up or checks out, no matter how obnoxious or scary things get. It’s real and it’s perfect, so let’s believe in it for our incredible, wild teenagers.
Connecting Wholeheartedly With Teenagers; See the Good
The image I’ve chosen is a recent Mother’s Day card, drawn for me by my eldest, Rosie. She knows I adore the Ramones, and shared a song title as sweet sentiment. She wants me around! The feeling is very mutual.
I always welcome the opportunity to share my passion and love for arguably the most universally maligned and misunderstood age group...Teenagers! Newsflash: they’re not frightening, volatile or ruled exclusively by hormones and rage.
Often, as a result of misunderstanding, fear informing control, simple busyness or forgetfulness, or due to our own uncomfortable or toxic teenage experience; we lose the plot, lose the point and lose the relationship, whether temporarily, or, more tragically, permanently.
The good news, within the paradigm of God, is that there is always opportunity for redemption and resuscitation of relationship. Humility and mutual forgiveness is accessible. Honesty and transparency; paramount.
These precious experimenters need us as much now as when they were small. The needs have morphed and become very specific and changeable, day by day, even hour by hour. All that’s required of us as parents, is to pay close attention to subtext, rely on the Lord for Peace that surpasses all human comprehension in order to avoid the stereotypical out-freakages, and to simply Be There. Be there physically to offer meaningful touch. Be there emotionally to lavish them with the approval, comfort and kindness that they unknowingly crave during these years. Be there having prayerfully and lovingly accessed the ability of Jesus to redirect, correct and exhort without becoming insufferable, overbearing and pedantic. Lecturing a struggling teen about ‘what Jesus would do’ is, as someone who lived it, quite simply the worst. Coming alongside and praying non-manipulative, straight from the heart and Holy Spirit prayers with and over your kid in order to comfort and build them up, speaking Life, possibility and beauty over them in the moment, and encouraging their dreams and visions will absolutely change the game. Remaining humble and asking them for help for your own spirit, your day, and the details of your life gives them a peek into your own humanity and vulnerability which is balm for their spirits. Expressing our own human pain or need from a place of weakness often says so much more to them than we’re even aware. “I’m just a person, trying my best. I’m scared.” are gifts to our teenagers. Let them into your humanity with trust and openness.
Daily I’m asking Him to encounter my kids in new and interesting ways that are irrefutably miraculous and beautiful. I’m speaking the Word into their minds, bodies and spirits so that their lives are full, interesting, authentic and deeply impacted by His presence, His peace and His light and inspiration. Cultivating a habit of prayer, THANKSGIVING and declarations over your teens will guarantee softened hearts and open ears and eyes. Releasing the responsibility for your teenagers to Jesus and getting out of His way ensures that they absolutely begin to cultivate their own gardens, their own vertical relationship that is purely their own, in ways we never could have imagined. Their wells of compassion overflow as a result of claiming that compassion for them.
Remember, the point of their existence isn’t to make you look successful, smart or extra spiritual. They’re here to do their own lives, and our job was to oversee their introduction to Jesus, to their Father and their beautiful teacher, the Holy Spirit. We had those little guy years to ‘Teach the Lessons’ and model a close spiritual relationship for them. Now is the time to watch it germinate, bloom and flourish with plenty of oxygen, space, loving nourishment and a safe matrix to allow all of it to happen organically.
Peacefully Holding Space simply means to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually present for someone. No judgement, no expectations, no fear of ones’ own brand or image being somehow compromised as a result of their explorations, questions or failures. When we’re not rushed, sidetracked, offended or annoyed, that’s when the honesty and the trust begins to grow. When we lovingly support their willingness to be open about feelings, screw ups, ideas and different ways of seeing, we model Jesus’ ability to hear us in a completely unflappable way. He is unshockable. He sees, He hears, He knows and He is able to speak directly in very specific and personal ways to our kids that only they can understand and process. We can trust Him with our teenagers. Completely.
My eldest daughter gave me insight into why these years feel at once scary, exciting and infuriating; “We resent your involvement all of a sudden, which feels weird. But we also understand that we still really need your involvement.” I remember this so vividly...One foot on the nest and one out. “Get me outta here!” and “I really need a hug” battled it out inside of me daily. I remember thinking “I know I’m doing stupid stuff, but I’m not actually stupid.” “Mind your own business”, in my mind, meant “Give me space and love so that I can actually share my heart with you. It feels so sore and tender and little, but huge and ravenous at the same time!”. “Leave me alone” translated to “I need air, I need to process, I just need time!”...and the classic “&%$@ off” or it’s less obnoxious sibling; “Get lost” was code for “JUST. LIKE. ME”. Thank God we can sweep the need for all of that angst and anger off of the table and just be honest about what we need. This is what I attempt to extend to my children and we’ve had minimal frustrated blow ups. The parenting of God is beautiful and it’s what I wholeheartedly aim for every day. I fail a lot, but the motive is there, and I get to be new every day.
These precious ones need permission and celebration to dream big, be their own person, feel all the feels, speak their truth, ask questions without shame, feel completely safe and supported and to express their vision and fanciness, style-wise.
Our responsibility and honour is to watch, pray, apply wisdom, discernment, fearlessness and deep love. All of these are completely accessible and ready to be poured out into us on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis.
The result of calm, Holy Spirit directed, fearless and non-reactive parenting is a home full of wild, individualistic, authentic, respectful, merciful, kind, and very human teenagers, who are unafraid of failing, excited to be alive, in love with the idea of an expansive and scary-good future full of the favour of God. There are tears, frustrations, misunderstandings, offences and infractions galore, but my home is also full of so much laughter we’re often in physical pain. There’s massive trust, heartfelt prayer for one another, music, shared meals and lingering at the table together remembering, chatting, and enjoying. It’s full of honesty, the Word, snuggling,companionship, life and creativity. If it’s not a deal breaker for God, it’s not a deal breaker for me. He is redemption. Every single day.
Speak LIFE over and into those teenagers and ask always that God impart passion into us as parents for these beautiful ones. Their design and purpose was planned and overseen with care; their energy, creativity, courage, hormones and growing pains, their triumph and their Light, all lovingly seen and stewarded, first by Him, then by us as we watch and learn.
What a privilege to partner with a perfect Parent in gentling these wild ones without stealing their fire. God, make us worthy of trust and relationship and give us Your eyes, ears, thoughts, hands and faith for our teenagers as we, as parents, come alongside them in order to help navigate and negotiate the changeable seas of growth and maturation with the help of the Unchangeable Source of all patience, all peace and all connection.
Amen.
From Obsessive to Intentional;
The Journey to Health, Fitness and Friendship with Our Bodies.
I often think how blessed my daughters are to grow up in an era of radical body acceptance and with the scope and courage to experiment with their clothing free of strict subculture rules and regs and the disapproval of an ‘Us v Them’ church culture.Their flamboyance and fun, born of a love of stories, history and costuming, has always been met with interest and appreciation, rather than disapproval and assumptions about their relationship with God. The trick is to use this gift wisely and consider it a time, purpose and identity informer, rather than a social media boon and negative attention magnet. It’s ALL about perspective, relationship and openness to the Good.
I often imagine how different my ways of viewing myself, ways of spending my time, and my focus, reactions and behaviour towards others would have been had I been free of an ultra critical, self loathing spirit that seemed to be controlling me and most of my peers, whether they knew Jesus or not. We wasted YEARS scrupulously examining perceived flaws, attempting to mold ourselves into cookie cutter bodies and probably murdered multiple brain cells trying insane diets and eating plans that our young and growing bodies had no business subjecting ourselves to.
Happily, years that have been stolen are always cheerfully returned to us by a loving and present Father who hates seeing us hate us.
The road to capital H ‘Health’ has been paved with a myriad of misunderstandings and dumb mistakes, but ultimately, He’s led me to a place of enjoyment, fulfilment and approval for myself that is liberating and rewarding. From embracing the pursuit of Hotness and being noticed and appreciated for my physical appearance, to the understanding that my longevity, vitality, enjoyment of and presence in my own life are the preeminent reasons for pursuing knowledge and wisdom about my body, soul and spirit. This mindset and practice has been fifty years in the making...and I’m still pumped to learn and to grow.
Learning that Health means well being in ALL of my parts was an eye opener, for sure. My physical, emotional, spiritual, social and intellectual components all inform and speak to one another. Experiencing outrageous kidney pain for days on end gave me a completely fresh appreciation for the fact that if one of these systems is out of whack, we can hardly think straight. When breathing hurts, nothing is meaningful. If we feel purposeless or unseen we feel awful, and this leads to spiritual malaise and isolation. Spiritual/emotional infirmity is toxic and wreaks all sorts of havoc. Feeling intellectually stunted or unsatisfied makes our spirits wither and die. We need full Integration and health in our bodies, minds and spirits in order to live fully in joy, peace, contentment AND zeal for the next project, challenge or activity, be it action packed or restful.
The goal is to bring it all together in unity, wholeness and fulfillment. Thankfully, God LOVES Process. Proverbs 4:21-22 says “Fill your thoughts with my words until they penetrate deep into your spirit. Then, as you unwrap my words, they will impart true life and radiant health
into the very core of your being.”
His Word is Life and wisdom. It imparts energy, passion and ability. My Process includes ingesting Hope, beauty and truth via the Word every day. It makes me brave and able. I set myself challenges that I’m excited to crush and move beyond, knowing that through connecting with Jesus, I’m ultra qualified. It helps me to trust my gut and live from a place of non-reactive Peace. It’s my incentive to nourish myself wisely and intuitively. His word feeds my energy for movement and physical challenge. I want my spirits’ health to be mirrored in my bodies’ health. I want my mind and spirit to inform my physiology. I glow because my spirit is alive and I am full of the Light of the world Who obliterates darkness and infirmity.
My ‘Why?’ becomes a shift from exterior to interior. To feel that beautiful wholeness and to engage with outrageous possibilities. My January 2020 lament to my buddy Ryan that ‘I can’t even do one push up’ has pushed me to be able to knock out one hundred push ups by January 2021...starting with one sad and struggle-y little push up! This has been a game changer. To just start with one.
This is a far cry from my teenage summers of aerobics and cigarettes, or from my young adult years of punishing my body with chemicals one minute, and wacko exercise regimens the next. As soon as pregnancy happened, all partying came to a screeching halt and my body became the matrix for growing a healthy little person...followed by four more little ones. It also became a place I wasn’t friends with and didn’t even really recognize for well over a decade. Constant fluctuations in size and shape were confusing and difficult to manage. Wearing pregnant lady clothing or Tyler’s giant shirts didn’t really make me feel like myself, and it was a long road back to reclaiming and inhabiting this body authentically again. Thankfully, I’ve made my way to a secure and lasting friendship with myself that I’ve never experienced before. I asked God for help, and He did NOT disappoint. He is present and invested in the tiniest of details about my life. It’s a pleasure to listen to Him and apply what He says to my days… wisdom surrounding food, exercise, career, calm and non-violent strategies for my parenting and relationships, for navigating my tasks and responsibilities. It’s all available. We have access to the training of God, in order to be ready, willing and able to handle and champion all things. The strength of Jesus’ explosive power and ability infuses me to conquer every challenge or difficulty every single minute of every single day, while still understanding that I’m allowed to be vulnerable or weak. We have not because we ask not. I want every strategy of God to enable me to be a wild overcomer and to live my life to the fullest with endurance, stamina and joy, all of my days.
Take the baton, y’all. You can do it! Run this race with passion and determination. Lock eyes with the One who extends creativity, possibility and unplumbed depths of hope and curiosity to you! You are capable, strong, brave, clever and beautiful. Step out and try something challenging and scary. Ask Him for help in your journey. Lay it all on the table and try. You’re so worth it and so loved.
Thanks.
For so long I’ve known that it’s both good and right to see/speak to and think about myself the way the One who made me does. I know with my brain, have faith in my spirit and I speak with my mouth that I am precious, beautiful, crafted meticulously and loved, beyond fiercely by an uncreated, unparalleled and masterful Artist who is wise and clever beyond comprehension. Knowing and speaking my own worth and beauty is wildly different from actually experiencing, inhabiting and believing in it myself.
Born in 1970, I came of age in the ‘80’s. A time like all other times, when female ‘hotness’ and homogeneity was paramount. A tiny body, symmetrical face and flawless skin was the script we were all reading from, regardless of chosen subculture or ancestral background. It was a time in which intense scrutiny was the norm for us ladies, and we absorbed and internalized the pressure and our brains called it normal. This is tragic to me, and I wish I could travel back in time to that gorgeous little fourteen year old who thought she was gross, fat and disgusting and lavish her with confidence and reassurance. At fifty, it was enough already! Looking back at photos of myself at twenty and appreciating how lovely I was made me draw a line in the sand. There’s no WAY that at seventy, I want to look at myself at fifty and regret not appreciating the body, face and life I’d been gifted. Climbing out of that pit seemed simple enough to do intellectually, but what do you do when you KNOW what’s true, you KNOW what’s a lie, you can articulate and call it all out, but your heart doesn’t seem able to receive it and it doesn’t reside inside of you on a level that just lets you be free? My ability to see and perceive of myself the way my Creator did and does HAD to happen! I needed healing.
The Lord subtly and quietly dropped the concept of Gratitude into my lap….again. I’d researched, delved into and applied it before, thanks to a handful of wise women who turned me onto it...this time, He wanted that beam of gratitude aimed squarely at my own heart.
I began to thank Him profusely for things I wasn’t thankful for in the slightest; my hips, my thighs, my bum, my stomach, even the bags underneath my eyes...evidence of long nights of care and commitment when little people needed me. Every day. I recorded my Gratitude and found unplumbed depths of reasons to love and appreciate my once scorned parts. I found verses that highlighted the incredible benefits of praise and thanksgiving and saw as if for the first time the warning in Romans 1:21...The perils of a life devoid of gratitude. I wanted a living, vital and robust heart that was capable of mighty love. For others and for myself.
I began to see the worth, the beauty, the great gift that is my central nervous system, my heart, my lungs, my ability to walk, to talk, to see, to interact with people, etc...It went on and on, gratitude engendering tremendous depths of gratitude that, in turn, caused me to see and react differently.
God told me to MAGNIFY Him and to express praise for His creation...me! He is teaching me about thanking Him with my WHOLE HEART; the totality of my being, and I feel it burning, realigning, sometimes heavy, sometimes light...coming alive and overflowing with gratitude and vibrancy. Focus, intention and purpose magnify! I choose to see His great worth and oversight and begin to see clearly how I’ve been affirmed, loved, held and supported over all of the years of my life.
Focusing on the Good, the Positive and the Utter excellence of God and His way of operating, choreographing and organizing my life in surprising and edifying ways builds my mental, physical and spiritual infrastructure; my interior build the facilities and engineering that are required in order for me to live my life in a healthy, positive and successful way.
The more I thank Him over and over for love, patience, self control, mental flexibility, for newfound feelings of calm, peace, purpose, connectedness, and beauty, and the more I receive those truths and the more real they become. The more I focus on and thank Him for the myriad of beautiful things that I see in my kids, the more they come to the fore and manifest! The more I pour out praise and gratitude for the faithful, loyal, beautiful person that He chose to be my partner, the more I see Tyler well and want to be kind and loving towards him. It’s so easy to park on the negative. It takes intentional vision and time to cultivate flourishing, alive and blessed relationships, but in the habit forming and the pragmatism, there’s simplicity, radical healing and truth.
The more I thank Him for the things in me that others claim to see but I couldn’t as a result of culture, lies, toxic media and, through no fault of my own, an inability to hear truth from the One who made me, the smaller and more insignificant the ungodly beliefs become. It’s like they’re in a rear view mirror and I’m driving away from them.
Gratitude brings it into focus. The MORE I’m able to love, honour and appreciate myself and see myself well, the less it matters! As my internal real estate gives Him more space and expands to include the More, which is inexhaustible, the more He increases and my unhealthy beliefs dwindle, the healthier I become in my vision and my self talk.
The space once occupied with obsessive and critical self focus and doubt is now wide open for Truth to flood in and save me all over again from the inside out. Radical renovation and restoration! A project that He adores and can’t wait to begin. I envision Him rubbing His hands together in anticipation of the outrageously beautiful work that is about to begin…
As a result of this ongoing project, one of two things has happened, and I couldn’t care less which one it is, I’m just so thankful for the result! Either; as a result of loving myself well and being present for myself and aware of my own feelings, wants and proclivities, I have begun to make smarter, kinder and more nourishing choices with regards to food, exercise, rest, time and self talk, or as a result of my vision for myself being radically healed, the way I see myself has changed utterly. I can see what others have said that they see for literally decades. I am healthy, beautiful, vital and interesting looking. My body is strong, lovely and has carried seven children and birthed five. What a tremendous privilege and blessing. How could I possibly denigrate a vessel that’s accomplished that?
Love is the bottom line. We are created for Love and we can love others well and lavish strangers and friends with compassion, empathy, charity and wholehearted passion and at the same time neglect our own gardens to such an extent that we become broken husks, incapable of seeing the beauty and worth that others see so readily. It’s time to swing those windows and doors WIDE open and receive the fresh, restorative and healing breath of God for ourselves and speak truth to ourselves. To change the game with kindness and to make friends with our own minds and thoughts. GRATITUDE IS THE KEY to these places within, and it can begin so simply and so humbly with one simple ‘thanks’ today. It is contagious and it causes germination, growth, flourishing and blooming. Be released from futility! Today is your day! You were made for such a time as this! Don’t waste it believing any kind of lie about yourself. Start tiny and you’ll grow a garden whose fruit will amaze you!
God, THANK YOU for the abundant life that You lavish us with. I declare clarity of vision, mercy, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and healing in the realm of self awareness, self consciousness, and preoccupation and dissatisfaction with the bodies and faces that You’ve meticulously crafted and gifted to us! Radical vision shift, truth and healing come now into all of our parts and grow these gardens in Jesus name! Where You are, there is freedom beyond our wildest imaginings. I speak and declare FREEDOM, gratitude and appreciation into and over you right now, in Jesus’ Name! Amen.
Declaring Freedom
I want to share with all of you the most powerful, transformative, affirming and beautiful secret to boundless energy, confidence, self love, approval and solid identity that I’ve discovered over the last twenty two years of my parenting career. It’s so simple, so real and so available that it seems almost silly to have to write about it, but when you’re in the trenches of service and intense, day and night pouring out, when you’re just attempting to get through your day positively without losing it on your loved ones, colleagues or strangers (my particular Achilles heel), it’s not a tool that comes naturally or easily to most. Using the Word of God to speak and declare truth to my inner and outer man changed my life.
Having five babies over the course of eleven years, and the constant body and hormone changes that took place in my body and brain resulted in a crazy skewing of my perception of my own beauty and value. I was terminally exhausted and lost in the cycle of never quite catching up or measuring up. Knowing that loving and guiding my kids was definitely my chosen career and purpose and taking so much joy in them didn’t satisfy or speak to the way in which I was able to love and appreciate myself as a crucial and beautiful creation of value. I medicated my tired body and mind at night with treats and built an unsustainable habit of rewarding myself with sugar and junk. I felt unseen and misunderstood. My relationship with my partner suffered. I saw myself as a lazy and unenthusiastic follower of Jesus, apologizing to Him every Sunday for missing the mark in ignoring our relationship and treating Him like a stranger.
Guys, even in the midst of doing right by my kids and loving them so fiercely, intensely and wildly, even while providing them with experiences, conversation and nourishing food, interactions and displaying the beauty of the world, I was mired in my own self pity and sadness about my body, resulting in a critical and unkind way of seeing myself.
Enter DECLARATIONS! My wise and always spiritually on time Mum turned me onto a tiny book by Patricia King, in which she collates and categorizes Scripture into laser beams of Truth to aim into and over very specific nooks and crannies of body, soul, spirit and experience. Seeking out Inner Healing seemed a time consuming and unattainable pursuit, and it’s not my idea of a good time, either. ‘Decree’ was full of strategies for me that launched me into searching the Word for the beautiful breath of God to craft heavenly laws that would declare wisdom, healing and appreciation for the gift that is my body, my face, my identity, my work and my purpose. I decided to let Him into my innermost parts and give permission for Him to begin to change my ways of seeing myself and healing my reactions. Declaring the Word of God over myself was the springboard for realignment in my interior world. I was able to begin to believe that ‘I am made in the image of God’, that I AM ‘fearfully and wonderfully made to do amazing things, planned for me specifically in advance.’ Because He gave me the skills and the proclivities for meaningful work and the power to speak them out made my days...Meaningful! I began to declare energy, stamina, strength and joy for the day set before me! I reminded Him of all of the things He says about me, and lo and behold, it worked! My hunger for His voice increased, my curiosity about His character steadily grew and I began to see what everyone else claimed to see: Beauty, Power, Strength, Intelligence and Ability. I am a leader and I matter, God says it and I believe it. My work is deep and world changing. I have been handcrafted, hand selected and placed with outrageous intention in time and space to do incredible things. Quiet, secret things, loud, outstanding and also very regular things.
Speaking The Word, Jesus, into my interior ecosystem changed my life. It impacted our families’ interactions and environment. It elevated my relationship with Tyler into a confident and solid place, and even now, when I instinctively think I’m going to be reactive and combative...that part of me seems to have changed. I have mercy for strangers, no more road rage! God, You are such a Transformer of hearts and brains! I want an awake, tender, inspired heart. I want an alert, flexible and calm brain.I claim inspiration, zeal, passion and purpose for all of you, in Jesus’ Name. YOU MATTER. Your story matters. The way you speak to yourself matters, and there is healing in the Words that have been and continue to be breathed over by the One who thinks about how beautiful and able you are constantly. Access Truth that is transformative and speak it out confidently. You are reinforcing Heavenly laws that apply to you! I challenge everyone who reads this to select a verse that resonates, speak it out loud to yourself as though you were issuing an edict every day and be amazed by transformation. You are a pearl of great price and He longs for you to see yourself the way He does. Grab hold of the Power that raised Jesus from the dead that you have free and clear access to and live from it. Say it out loud and believe it’s personal. It’s real, it belongs to you, and it never returns to Him having accomplished nothing. Take it like it’s medicine and receive the healing, life, beauty and energy that is your birthright.
A Year of Peace
Thanksgiving 2020
When we’re broadsided by an unprecedented, impossible to anticipate global crisis, our first and very human instinct is to panic. When the crisis doesn’t resolve quickly and stress and fear are prolonged and unrelenting, our brains, bodies and spirits suffer deeply. Children take on, absorb, process and carry our burdens in such specific and compassionate ways. When the adult world is obviously unpredictable and parents are struggling to navigate and provide stability and rhythm, their kid world is rocked. Our job in this hour is to choose to hitch our wagons to and live from an unshakeable Source that is unchanging, uncreated, supernatural, omniscient, constant unsleeping focused Power, action, promises and love. I want to stand on the historical precedents of ancestors who weathered upheaval or trauma with grit, determination, positivity, resolution, outrageous Faith and zeal for survival and a will to overcome. I want to apprehend and model the forward momentum and trust of Jesus as He, knowing very specifically what He was about to allow to happen to Him, WENT FORTH. Never looking backwards with longing, and focused on the goal of redemption and restoration. That’s the mindset I choose every single day. I want the Mind of Christ in these times. In my weakness, there is strength. I choose always to ask for endurance, energy and strength for the joy set before me day in and day out, no matter what things look like. We have not because we ask not.
The Peace that Jesus instructs his buddies about in John chapter fourteen is not a tenuous Peace. It’s not a Peace that is tangible only during good times. This is a Peace that He had to physically leave this planet in order to provide, so as not to be bound by human time and distance. This is a promise and a birthright. He needed to go, to allow Himself to be brutalized beyond comprehension and put to death in a humiliating and agonizing way, so that we could conquer difficult, painful and challenging times as a result of accessing His beautiful Spirit of Peace, Truth, Wisdom and Comfort.
Feeling fearful, confused and chaotic seems always to be the human fallback condition. It’s an easy habit to maintain, particularly now, and takes a concerted effort to break free of. The constant mantra of ‘do not fear’ that is obvious throughout Scripture isn’t a jerky ‘shape up, guys’, but a reminder that all we need to access that indomitable spirit, the clear and fearless vision, the steadfastness, Peace and endurance to walk into, through and out of any and every potentially stressful and painful time with perspective and triumph exists inside of us. If the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ exists in me, I can claim it in a fresh way every day, I can ask for MORE, I can focus on beauty, empathy and compassion, I can ask for the strength, foresight and problem solving of Jesus and desire renovation and change in my interior and exterior ecosystem. I give permission daily for inner healing and a paradigm shift. I ask daily for a fresh, new encounter from God for my kids and my partner. I ask for the favour that He pours out to be so obvious to them and that they’d see/feel/smell/touch/hear/and perceive Him in brand new ways. Enrobe them in Peace, saturate them with identity and the reality of the plans, purposes and destiny that exist for them specifically. I ask daily for worldwide healing, rescue and restoration. He’s the God of Tall Orders. Level your requests up!
Take Heart, family and Shift your gaze. What if we were to take this time to extend Grace to ourselves and to our families during this chapter? What if we chose to be free of outside expectation and System panic. Embracing stillness, allowing kids to process and move individually through boredom and free, unstructured time. Giving young brains time for recovery and Peace is crucial for their development. What a perfect opportunity to extend this to them without guilt in this weird time. Autonomy, agency and independence are the goals, so let’s begin. Let’s begin with trust in the process, the kids and the Author of their lives and Lover of their souls. I want kids with healthy minds, bodies and souls and my goal is to steward them in a kind and authentic way through this potentially derailing and scary time. Making a concerted effort to carve out time in order to increase your Peace by sitting with Him and being filled and realigned is the wisest thing one can begin with. Model it. Take courage. Receive the Peace that belongs to you. Sit with the One who holds all outcomes in the palm of His hand, and learn to trust again and again. I speak PEACE, heavenly determination, mindsets and stamina over all of you in Jesus’ Name.
Mothering Fearlessly
Author Elizabeth Stone once said that having a child ‘is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.’ While I don’t believe that my kids’ existences are the result of human decision (barring romantic timing), our kids each being a very specific and meticulously planned for gift, this quote resonates with me a thousandfold.
It causes me to contemplate my own heart; physically and spiritually. My perfect Father crafted my heart, treasures my heart, guards my heart and keeps it beating and pumping the oxygen my body needs to keep me alive. He causes it to be moved and to burn at His presence and His Word. I trust Him implicitly with my heart.
If my children are the embodiment of my heart, navigating this increasingly bananas world, I need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that hearts are valued, nurtured, nourished and protected. My heart is kept alive by my miraculous involuntary nervous system. Similarly, my beautiful children are watched over, celebrated and protected by the One who crafted and oversees them so, so fastidiously.
As a result of this observation, I utterly REFUSE to let fear be a word in my parenting vocabulary. I have no interest in any ‘worst case scenario’ planning. Having made the introduction between my kids and their Source and witnessed and experienced their receptivity to Him, I can rest securely in the fact that their lives are held in the palm of His hand and NOTHING, not even death, can snatch them away from Him. Experimenting, pushing boundaries, questing, trying and failing are all grist for His redemptive mill! I trust Him implicitly with my ‘Hearts’.
I decided to canvas my five in order to unearth what it was that they appreciate about the journey that we’ve all taken together; precisely what, in their opinion, makes me a good Mom?
My eldest (21) said that he values being taught that he should always pursue his God given creative passions and do what he was made to do. That practicality is overrated and to always go for the things that are important to and resonate with him! He appreciates being taught to embrace authenticity and confidence in one’s identity; to be open to, respectful and aware of the intrinsic value of others and of their journey.
My two oldest girls (16 and 19) are most grateful for the ability to have their own boundaries, to have privacy and their own opinions, to cultivate individuality and expression. I am beyond blessed that these three feel safe and trusted enough to unfailingly share their hearts, screw ups and secrets with me. I will NOT be shaken by their bravery and courage. God’s love is bigger than any attempt to hobble them with distraction or the shame of a less than wise decision. I choose, over and over again, to see them the way that Jesus does.
My youngest daughter (13) enjoys being allowed to experiment with hair, make up and clothing...she loves to play with her appearance, which I remember doing so fondly.
Our youngest (10) told me that I ‘cook good’. Excellent feedback.
The fruit of fearlessness in the context of relationship is beautiful, sometimes messy communication and unshakeable trust. My whole hearted desire is to feel, model, display and live from the calm, radiant, peaceful yet FEROCIOUS love of God for and to my children. My kids are ultimately people planned for, named, gifted, placed and overseen with such care. They are His and He is theirs. Everything they need as overcomers and champions is solidly entrenched in their DNA. I’m just privileged to be along for the ride...
Choosing to be Parented
Parents of young kids often ask me what they ‘should’ be doing with their kindergarten aged child/children. What sort of curriculum, strategies, classes, philosophies they should be buying, adhering to, partaking of and participating in. My response has always been, and will continue to be: Cultivate Character and relationship! Encourage Identity and express deep love and openness.
Modelling, operating in and from a place of kindness, compassion, courtesy, respect and honour has been paramount in my home from the very beginning. Treating my kids the way I believe God does and choosing, moment to moment, to see, speak to, touch and behave towards them the way He does has been an absolute game changer. I am by no stretch of the imagination even remotely good at it, but I’m committed to it. Doing this and feeling this way may seem a lofty, unattainable, ‘too little or too late’ type of goal, but I assure you; it is ready and waiting for you to access and apply, fail at, and then activate again and again.
Every day I choose to be open to and receive the unconditional love that my Father has for me. I articulate that to Him in the morning before I do/say anything! It was a long and winding road for me to be able to see God as a good Dad. I had/have a great Dad, so I didn’t think I needed to relate to God that way. What appealed to me about Him was (is) His tenacity, ferocity, His power, activity and wildness. The Power and the Glory, the Great I Am. These characteristics speak very directly to a crucial component of both His and my spiritual DNA and they’re real, valid and important. But over time, and through a series of stressful events, I came to understand that God is THE parenting prototype. He just IS a Dad.
To many, the concept of ‘Father’ is, at best, unrelatable, and at worst; horrific, triggering and unimaginable. I get it. Many of my close friends have walked through and survived unspeakable childhoods. That doesn’t change the fact that God just is who He says He is. He is your perfect parent. He puts you first every time. His oversight is unwavering, even when we decide that He’s dropped the ball. He is connected and full of conversation. He isn’t ever reactive or rude. He is beyond patient with us, celebrates every small triumph and collects our tears and walks us through the rough stuff every time.
He is capable, available, present, encouraging, fierce, protective, unoffendable and loves our process. Never manipulative or fearful. Never insecure or controlling. He loves when we try, when we fail and when we turn to Him in order to explore our identities and to inform us about how we’re wired.
This is the type of parent I aspire to be. This is where I start, every time. I want to enjoy my children and model behaviour that will help them to be enjoyed and appreciated as the people they are here to be. My job from the jump has been to introduce my kids to a real Person; their eternal Source of love, care, oversight, communication, eternity, wholeness and zeal for living! Once I’ve made the introduction and I’m faithful to water the seeds of relationship through teaching them to speak to God and to hear Him in lots of different ways, to see how He communicates in the world, the Word, and in their quiet, private moments, once I show them how treasured and beloved they are, I can rest in the understanding that God is THEIRS! That I don’t have to micromanage my kids OR their receptivity to God.
In the Bible, Jesus makes it abundantly clear that it’s important that we be like little guys before the Father. That we stop attempting to parent ourselves, our own parents or our partners and give up the fear/shame/control cycle in favour of utter trust built through conversation (prayer) and maintaining connection and gratitude throughout our days (1 Thess. 5:16-18), no matter what they look like. This seems both impossible AND utterly liberating. I assure you, that with practice and pragmatism, through consistently keeping appointments with your Father and allowing Him to work in and around you, it. Will. Happen. Give Him what you can at the beginning of your day. “God, you are my Father. I’m your kid. I trust You. I’m open to allowing You to love me. You love my kids. You love my partner. I want to be free and to see/feel and understand You differently today. I love you, help me to love and lean on You more even when I’m busy or feeling overwhelmed. Amen”.
Is true Freedom just walking forward into life knowing that whatever comes down the pipe we’re surrounded, loved and protected by an uncreated, constantly active and omniscient Being who planned for, designed and intimately knows me and my needs far more than I ever could and is powerful and strong beyond all imagination? I believe it is, so sign me up. The alternative is exhausting and scary. I choose to exist inside of the column of Goodness and Grace that’s available to me. I am hungry for hunger and eager to build a deeper relationship with the One who is capable of showing me how to treasure and feed my people.