Connecting Wholeheartedly With Teenagers; See the Good
The image I’ve chosen is a recent Mother’s Day card, drawn for me by my eldest, Rosie. She knows I adore the Ramones, and shared a song title as sweet sentiment. She wants me around! The feeling is very mutual.
I always welcome the opportunity to share my passion and love for arguably the most universally maligned and misunderstood age group...Teenagers! Newsflash: they’re not frightening, volatile or ruled exclusively by hormones and rage.
Often, as a result of misunderstanding, fear informing control, simple busyness or forgetfulness, or due to our own uncomfortable or toxic teenage experience; we lose the plot, lose the point and lose the relationship, whether temporarily, or, more tragically, permanently.
The good news, within the paradigm of God, is that there is always opportunity for redemption and resuscitation of relationship. Humility and mutual forgiveness is accessible. Honesty and transparency; paramount.
These precious experimenters need us as much now as when they were small. The needs have morphed and become very specific and changeable, day by day, even hour by hour. All that’s required of us as parents, is to pay close attention to subtext, rely on the Lord for Peace that surpasses all human comprehension in order to avoid the stereotypical out-freakages, and to simply Be There. Be there physically to offer meaningful touch. Be there emotionally to lavish them with the approval, comfort and kindness that they unknowingly crave during these years. Be there having prayerfully and lovingly accessed the ability of Jesus to redirect, correct and exhort without becoming insufferable, overbearing and pedantic. Lecturing a struggling teen about ‘what Jesus would do’ is, as someone who lived it, quite simply the worst. Coming alongside and praying non-manipulative, straight from the heart and Holy Spirit prayers with and over your kid in order to comfort and build them up, speaking Life, possibility and beauty over them in the moment, and encouraging their dreams and visions will absolutely change the game. Remaining humble and asking them for help for your own spirit, your day, and the details of your life gives them a peek into your own humanity and vulnerability which is balm for their spirits. Expressing our own human pain or need from a place of weakness often says so much more to them than we’re even aware. “I’m just a person, trying my best. I’m scared.” are gifts to our teenagers. Let them into your humanity with trust and openness.
Daily I’m asking Him to encounter my kids in new and interesting ways that are irrefutably miraculous and beautiful. I’m speaking the Word into their minds, bodies and spirits so that their lives are full, interesting, authentic and deeply impacted by His presence, His peace and His light and inspiration. Cultivating a habit of prayer, THANKSGIVING and declarations over your teens will guarantee softened hearts and open ears and eyes. Releasing the responsibility for your teenagers to Jesus and getting out of His way ensures that they absolutely begin to cultivate their own gardens, their own vertical relationship that is purely their own, in ways we never could have imagined. Their wells of compassion overflow as a result of claiming that compassion for them.
Remember, the point of their existence isn’t to make you look successful, smart or extra spiritual. They’re here to do their own lives, and our job was to oversee their introduction to Jesus, to their Father and their beautiful teacher, the Holy Spirit. We had those little guy years to ‘Teach the Lessons’ and model a close spiritual relationship for them. Now is the time to watch it germinate, bloom and flourish with plenty of oxygen, space, loving nourishment and a safe matrix to allow all of it to happen organically.
Peacefully Holding Space simply means to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually present for someone. No judgement, no expectations, no fear of ones’ own brand or image being somehow compromised as a result of their explorations, questions or failures. When we’re not rushed, sidetracked, offended or annoyed, that’s when the honesty and the trust begins to grow. When we lovingly support their willingness to be open about feelings, screw ups, ideas and different ways of seeing, we model Jesus’ ability to hear us in a completely unflappable way. He is unshockable. He sees, He hears, He knows and He is able to speak directly in very specific and personal ways to our kids that only they can understand and process. We can trust Him with our teenagers. Completely.
My eldest daughter gave me insight into why these years feel at once scary, exciting and infuriating; “We resent your involvement all of a sudden, which feels weird. But we also understand that we still really need your involvement.” I remember this so vividly...One foot on the nest and one out. “Get me outta here!” and “I really need a hug” battled it out inside of me daily. I remember thinking “I know I’m doing stupid stuff, but I’m not actually stupid.” “Mind your own business”, in my mind, meant “Give me space and love so that I can actually share my heart with you. It feels so sore and tender and little, but huge and ravenous at the same time!”. “Leave me alone” translated to “I need air, I need to process, I just need time!”...and the classic “&%$@ off” or it’s less obnoxious sibling; “Get lost” was code for “JUST. LIKE. ME”. Thank God we can sweep the need for all of that angst and anger off of the table and just be honest about what we need. This is what I attempt to extend to my children and we’ve had minimal frustrated blow ups. The parenting of God is beautiful and it’s what I wholeheartedly aim for every day. I fail a lot, but the motive is there, and I get to be new every day.
These precious ones need permission and celebration to dream big, be their own person, feel all the feels, speak their truth, ask questions without shame, feel completely safe and supported and to express their vision and fanciness, style-wise.
Our responsibility and honour is to watch, pray, apply wisdom, discernment, fearlessness and deep love. All of these are completely accessible and ready to be poured out into us on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis.
The result of calm, Holy Spirit directed, fearless and non-reactive parenting is a home full of wild, individualistic, authentic, respectful, merciful, kind, and very human teenagers, who are unafraid of failing, excited to be alive, in love with the idea of an expansive and scary-good future full of the favour of God. There are tears, frustrations, misunderstandings, offences and infractions galore, but my home is also full of so much laughter we’re often in physical pain. There’s massive trust, heartfelt prayer for one another, music, shared meals and lingering at the table together remembering, chatting, and enjoying. It’s full of honesty, the Word, snuggling,companionship, life and creativity. If it’s not a deal breaker for God, it’s not a deal breaker for me. He is redemption. Every single day.
Speak LIFE over and into those teenagers and ask always that God impart passion into us as parents for these beautiful ones. Their design and purpose was planned and overseen with care; their energy, creativity, courage, hormones and growing pains, their triumph and their Light, all lovingly seen and stewarded, first by Him, then by us as we watch and learn.
What a privilege to partner with a perfect Parent in gentling these wild ones without stealing their fire. God, make us worthy of trust and relationship and give us Your eyes, ears, thoughts, hands and faith for our teenagers as we, as parents, come alongside them in order to help navigate and negotiate the changeable seas of growth and maturation with the help of the Unchangeable Source of all patience, all peace and all connection.
Amen.
