Beyond Pandemic Parenting…
Hello! Man, it’s been awhile. Our household has gone through many changes within the last six months. Big kids moving onward and upward, our youngest deciding on a local high school experience, and my role as constant care provider shifting into a more mellow state of affairs…
I thought I’d share something I wrote last year about our motives and incentives for the parenting choices our family has made.
I’m the mother of five children here in Hamilton, all of whom have been homeschooled in the city. Their respective educational journeys have been rich, full and unorthodox, and have resulted in some pretty incredible people who are confident, self aware and compassionate. My aim is to share possibilities, especially now, when families are exploring alternative educational paths. Often we don’t try something that seems worthwhile or desirable, because we don’t know anyone who's blazed a trail first, so my goal is to share my family's story in order to offer peace to others who are considering making a break with things that aren’t necessarily working for them. Nothing is ever undoable. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, jump into the great wide open, and see what works for your crew.
One of the main impetus for beginning our families’ journey of alternative, child led education over two decades ago, was to introduce and expose our children to a world outside of walls. My partner and I wanted to foster deep, real connection with our kids and model compassion, empathy and a sense of adventure and fun. We began simply, with just being around people who needed help. A jaunt to Jackson Square to take advantage of the library and market became an opportunity for dialogue about poverty, charity and mercy. A desire to impact the ones who needed immediate relief in the form of food, money or simple acknowledgement instilled a humanity and desire to see the good that is still flourishing in all of them years later.
Originally, ‘homeschooling’ was never on our radar. We assumed that it was the province of weirdos and separatists who were bent on shielding their kids from reality. When I was small, my parents searched out incredible alternative public schools in Toronto, and I loved them dearly. School was exciting, fun and, as a result of having a sibling with pretty intense special needs, a valuable outlet for creativity, community and companionship. These were radical places of freedom for me. When it came time for us to research schools and make a commitment, we weren’t able to find anything comparable for our little ones. We made the decision to commit to a risky experiment and just ‘see where it took us’ for a time. Granted, this sounds outrageous, but we had the backing and support of our family, one of whom, my father, was a professor at an Ivy League university in the US. School was never off the table, it just didn’t happen for a long time. We were having too much fun absorbing a ton of information, enjoying one another, and acquiring useful life skills along the way.
Our family is privileged enough to be able to sacrifice the benefits of a two income family with fairly minimal impact. Being able to commit to one of us staying home meant a lot of ongoing conversations about work allocation and roles within and without the home. Many times the kids were privy to the negotiations, which instilled the ability to advocate for oneself with kindness and clarity. One parent solely focused on learning alongside the kids and maintaining a home meant freedom to explore our city and take day trips with our community of fellow learners. Home/world/environment learning has grown in popularity over the years and finding friendship and connection is not a challenge. Community building is always possible.
Interest in anything can explode into all sorts of subjects and possibilities; the history and science of Ancient Rome vied with a love of anatomy, or an afternoon listening to or reading novels or fact books. Our children were literate well before they were drawn to the printed page and the incentive for reading stemmed from an authentic and organic desire to access MORE engaging literature and entertaining storytelling. A love for grammar and words was instilled with minimal intervention and effort simply by providing resources and modeling a love of reading and listening.
As the kids grew and matured, they found their niches. My eldest became a beloved facilitator at a forest school just outside of the city and simultaneously fell in love with designing and creating garments. He’s moved onto music and is radically open, and extraordinarily confident about his place in the world. My two eldest daughters decided fairly late in the game to try a bricks and mortar high school for their senior years, the result being two double honors graduates. Our twenty year old is currently in the throes of her second year of university (on campus, finally!), with her younger sister hot on her heels in the fall. Middle child was also able to become a working circus performer and contortionist, and the two youngest are now sitting with identity and pondering their futures based on their passions.
Idyllic right? Cut to our worlds coming to a screeching halt in 2020. Some serious adjustments needed to be made. We were no longer able to ramble, explore and vibe. The three eldest, who had been poised to take off and make their marks, were suddenly curtailed and frustrated. No performances. No first year campus experience. No access to friends, no exciting trips to the States for months at a time to see Grandparents. All of a sudden, life became small. A world of walls and lives on pause. This was most decidedly not the original intent. As the blissfully ignorant blush of the early, kind of cozy and vacation-like days of the pandemic gave way to grinding sameness, copious cracks began to appear. All sorts of parenting crises I never thought I’d have to come face to face with presented themselves.
How did we adjust? One could say that this was what we’d been training for our whole parenting lives. We had been busy prioritizing and cultivating deep love and respect for one another for twenty plus years. We enjoyed being together and hearing one another's opinions and ideas. Over the decades, we’ve enjoyed a lot of zero expectation time together. No performative parenting where one feels watched and evaluated always. There’s always a safe place to process around the dinner table, on the couch, via text or in the van when we’re all facing forwards (the perfect environment for sex questions!).
We cried, struggled, fought, took offense, learned humility and became true friends. All of us. Everyone has had a chance to be fragile and everyone has had a chance to be strong. Walking our kids through the past two years has given me the impetus to cultivate tremendous fortitude and positivity; spiritually, physically and mentally through study, prayer, instituting new habits for my health, and time to reflect and record what was going on in my journal. When I feel like breaking, setting my lifes’ work down and walking away from it, or just plain old giving up on something I still believe wholeheartedly in, I draw on the bank of having taught the kids to be merciful and thoughtful towards me. We had modeled being respectful of time and emotions, so I trust them to extend that back to me. I take some time, we talk about where we are and what the problem is, and we attack it kindly and head on. Walking kids of various ages through the last two years has been no joke, but I like to think that maybe it’s opened up our eyes to the myriad of options when it comes to learning, parenting and partnering with flexibility and grace. Time is personal, and we all need breathing space. As we walk into this chapter of gingerly returning to the Before Times, let’s take a beat to think about what to take into the future with our families. Connection, transparency, safety and most importantly, Love.
Mothering Fearlessly
Author Elizabeth Stone once said that having a child ‘is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.’ While I don’t believe that my kids’ existences are the result of human decision (barring romantic timing), our kids each being a very specific and meticulously planned for gift, this quote resonates with me a thousandfold.
It causes me to contemplate my own heart; physically and spiritually. My perfect Father crafted my heart, treasures my heart, guards my heart and keeps it beating and pumping the oxygen my body needs to keep me alive. He causes it to be moved and to burn at His presence and His Word. I trust Him implicitly with my heart.
If my children are the embodiment of my heart, navigating this increasingly bananas world, I need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that hearts are valued, nurtured, nourished and protected. My heart is kept alive by my miraculous involuntary nervous system. Similarly, my beautiful children are watched over, celebrated and protected by the One who crafted and oversees them so, so fastidiously.
As a result of this observation, I utterly REFUSE to let fear be a word in my parenting vocabulary. I have no interest in any ‘worst case scenario’ planning. Having made the introduction between my kids and their Source and witnessed and experienced their receptivity to Him, I can rest securely in the fact that their lives are held in the palm of His hand and NOTHING, not even death, can snatch them away from Him. Experimenting, pushing boundaries, questing, trying and failing are all grist for His redemptive mill! I trust Him implicitly with my ‘Hearts’.
I decided to canvas my five in order to unearth what it was that they appreciate about the journey that we’ve all taken together; precisely what, in their opinion, makes me a good Mom?
My eldest (21) said that he values being taught that he should always pursue his God given creative passions and do what he was made to do. That practicality is overrated and to always go for the things that are important to and resonate with him! He appreciates being taught to embrace authenticity and confidence in one’s identity; to be open to, respectful and aware of the intrinsic value of others and of their journey.
My two oldest girls (16 and 19) are most grateful for the ability to have their own boundaries, to have privacy and their own opinions, to cultivate individuality and expression. I am beyond blessed that these three feel safe and trusted enough to unfailingly share their hearts, screw ups and secrets with me. I will NOT be shaken by their bravery and courage. God’s love is bigger than any attempt to hobble them with distraction or the shame of a less than wise decision. I choose, over and over again, to see them the way that Jesus does.
My youngest daughter (13) enjoys being allowed to experiment with hair, make up and clothing...she loves to play with her appearance, which I remember doing so fondly.
Our youngest (10) told me that I ‘cook good’. Excellent feedback.
The fruit of fearlessness in the context of relationship is beautiful, sometimes messy communication and unshakeable trust. My whole hearted desire is to feel, model, display and live from the calm, radiant, peaceful yet FEROCIOUS love of God for and to my children. My kids are ultimately people planned for, named, gifted, placed and overseen with such care. They are His and He is theirs. Everything they need as overcomers and champions is solidly entrenched in their DNA. I’m just privileged to be along for the ride...