Gentle Survival Strategies For Living and Thriving Alongside Little Ones

With my days of infants and toddlers in the rearview mirror, it’s often all too easy to look back at them with romantic nostalgia and longing and forget about the reality of awaking daily in a state of creeping existential dread and terminal exhaustion. Having spent years in the trenches with small people, and giving it my all, I’ve come away with some deep hacks for thriving and enjoying the moments and the days both honestly and wholeheartedly...while still understanding that occasional overwhelm and the simple need for unbroken sleep and body autonomy are still a thing. 

Remember that crazy moment when the midwives leave, your own parent or designated helper drives off into the sunset and/or your partner takes off for their all of a sudden enviable ‘paradise’ of a calm, quiet commute and adult work that doesn’t involve someone else’s fluids and includes things like breaks, lunch, and private bathroom time? Remember that awesome feeling of utter panic creeping up your face that is truly otherworldly, and not in a good way? Me too. 

Thankfully, you settle into a workable rhythm of waking and semi-sleeping. Of just rolling up your sleeves and diving into the work of parenting a small and very needy person. It almost instantly becomes part of your identity, and it feels weird leaving the house without them without a signifier that claims you as ‘MOM’ for everyone to see. “Who am I now?” “Am I the same person I was?”. Becoming comfortable reclaiming oneself while still being proud of a new and seemingly all consuming role takes some practice, time, and habitual and private truth telling, while at the same time actively rejecting the lies that we’re groomed to believe about our bodies, contributions to society, purpose and desirability, which are empowered and exacerbated by sleep deprivation and tremendous vulnerability. Not a tall order at all, amiright? Remembering that I’m still me, and my desires, proclivities, talents and interests haven’t changed,  they’ve just broadened, is crucial. All of these things still matter and so do I.   I needed to focus on what it takes to continue to be a more complex and intentional version of Me as I stepped into something wild and deep and numbingly tiring. Thankfully, God is always interested in speaking to Identity and enrobing us in the truth about ourselves as we access His voice and give Him space to speak...while changing diapers, walking, nursing or reading stories, I cultivated the ability to read aloud AND go into a state of receptivity from God that’s difficult to define or articulate. I just opened myself up to His presence during that time and was able to mentally and spiritually multitask in a relaxed and edifying way. 

 Another odd thing that threatened Identity and the ability to just be comfortable as a new parent was the fact that, twenty odd years ago, when I was busy having babies, it was odd to see a Mom who wasn’t wearing the Mom Uniform of cute t-shirt, cargo pants and sensible haircut. As soon as my husband and I found out we were expecting, hair was cut, piercings came out and we figured we’d better start at least looking the part of respectable, clean cut, average parents. Don’t worry, that didn’t last too long. It wasn’t authentic or comfortable and we quickly jettisoned our uniforms that were fooling nobody when we started to feel like we were playing dressing up every day. 

As we settled into parenting in a genuine and real way that felt right to us, we soon learned that what wasn’t helpful in the slightest was the easy out of blame and competition. “You have it so good, you have NO idea” “I have a way harder job.” “You don’t understand”, “I WISH I could stay at home/walk by myself to a place where I get to sit down by myself every day.”,  launched us into the most challenging time in our marriage. It’s still difficult for me to remember to make space for his different way of parenting in a way that feels right to him. You’re seldom told that once you have a baby, sleep deprivation, culture shock and time focused solely on keeping another person alive sort of sucks the air out of appreciating or desiring your partner. It would’ve helped immeasurably for someone to have told us to be vigilant in protecting our relationship through the early years, and to provide strategies and permission to be merciful to ourselves and each other. 

Learning to take the step to just “be that guy”, to step up in humility and acknowledge, apologize and/or simply appreciate one another and the work that we did was like salve to our relationship. It cleared the air so we could see each other well. We learned to ask other people for help, advice or relief when we were struggling. We sought out a community of pals whose kids all enjoyed one another and spent HOURS in imaginative play while we savoured stillness and nourishing conversation and laughter. We brought little ones (safely) into our bed so that we could maximize our sleep, and got creative with intimacy locations and timing. God is so IN this! He is able to connect us with our people if we’d just ask Him for help. I recall simply saying “God, my kids need some really great friends and so do I. Please show us where and who they are.” He is all about connection, relationship and unity. 

When we began to seek out Jesus and allow Him to inform our parenting, we applied the Word to our lives and experienced a dramatic shift in our energy levels, our moods, our ways of seeing one another and our ways of speaking with and to our kids. My favourite scripture to speak over myself was and still is  “The Joy of the Lord is MY strength!”. It’s helpful often to delve deep into different translations and specific words God uses and to speak them differently to yourself daily. “God, Your tremendous and deep seated satisfaction, Hope, wholeness, triumph, radiance and Peace are my outrageous ability to withstand any challenge coming my way today!”. Accessing the miraculous energy, passion, problem solving abilities, patience and kindness of Jesus is eminently possible! We have not because we forget to ask. Cultivate the habit of connecting with God upon rising and practice staying connected. That doesn’t mean walk around with your eyes shut in a state of oblivious unconcern for what’s going on around you. It means that He’s on your mind and you’re communicating about everything in your own way and your own time. He’s informing your life and imparting wisdom and ability in real time.

Nowadays, when parents ask me what sort of curriculum or program they should be using for their preschool or kindergarten age kids, I redirect them from stressed out concern about academic prowess, which will absolutely come,to focusing instead on building the Character of their children. Character is the foundation of a healthy parent-kid relationship,for now and for the future. Modelling, informing and instructing them in mercy, mannerliness and kindness ensures that you’ve made your job so much easier and more pleasurable. You’re building people who are a pleasure to be around. I modelled forthrightness, assertiveness, gentleness and ferocity so that they would see me inhabiting myself with authenticity, and being aware and respectful of the needs and thoughts of others. This is easy to do when we let go of the ‘us v them’ vibe that is so easy to slip into when we make fun of kids over their heads to one another, when we see them as annoying or problematic, when we diminish their voices and ignore subtext and needs. My goal was and still is to see my children as whole people, worthy of respect and friendship. When needs are met and eye contact, a peaceful voice and trustworthy loyalty is demonstrated, when you are a reliable and safe place, the need or trigger for any sort of extreme punishment or weird popular strategy for discipline falls by the wayside. To discipline is to lead, to disciple, to direct and to teach. When you know someone well and you can provide true honour and support, they are so zealous to extend their honour and love, regardless of age. 

Sometimes it can feel embarrassing to simply stand by and let your child be angry or sad. Take a deep breath and focus on your chill. Be present. Being a supportive, prayerful, kind presence diffuses any rage out eventually, and then you can talk about it together and perhaps hash out some solutions or hacks to avoid future freak outs…”That really upset you, huh? What do you think would be helpful next time?”.  One day they’ll be bigger and will need to have the tools of self awareness and control, peace, openness, humility and unashamed access to their emotions, knowing that someone isn’t put off or angered by their humanity. Remember that you carry the Authority of Jesus to impact your environment (both interior and exterior),  and your kids. You have the power and right to give spiritual orders, make decisions regarding and enforce the obedience of and over anything that’s harassing or bothering your kids. “I declare the PEACE that surpasses all human understanding over - right now, in Jesus' Name. I speak the Mind of Jesus into and over - now and ask that you enrobe her/him in security, love, abundant ability to recover and to articulate what’s going on right now…’ ‘Anything that’s trying to ruin his/her day, get lost now, in Jesus’ Name’.  Little ones aren’t out to get us, they're just simply….little. Often they’re seeing and perceiving things we’re not able to and they don’t have the vocabulary, or often the support or understanding of the ones who can’t pick up on things the way they do. 

We’re all growing up together and God doesn’t just leave us holding the bag, standing on the corner with a kid and wondering what just happened to us! He’s standing by, the ultimate Parent, waiting to chime in with wisdom and goodness and poised to lavish us with energy, ability and zeal for even the most mundane seeming task. He sees and appreciates the nobility of the quotidian in ways that we don’t and I am SO grateful for that. God, please open up new channels of communication for all of these young parents with small people. Please give them fresh eyes for their families and a brand new openness and freedom with their kids that they’ve never experienced before. Please release revelation about the value of unseen labour. Help all of us, big, medium and small, to understand our very specific importance and purpose. We are here to be loved and love in return. Free us, Jesus, from the tyranny of our expectations and assumptions about our kids and about ourselves as parents! You are enough for us every day and we receive everything You have for us, moment by moment, as needed. Thank You.