Toddlers; Get On Their Level
Oh, The Toddler! Perhaps the second most maligned age group, back seat only to the Teenager. Everyone moans about ‘terrible twos’, precursors to the more intense three year old crew, but all of these little ones are impressive and valuable teachers in their own rights.
From birth to age three, neuroplasticity and brain building are at an all time high. Imagine your mind expanding exponentially, with minimal tools for expression, control and/or desire available to you. This is a completely bananas recipe for utter frustration and unwanted but very warranted anger and freak outs. Add to the mix some sleep and shower deprived adults desirous of carrying on their own lives, and the melange becomes potentially toxic and many times even dangerous.
How can we support these incredible growing people successfully? How do we undergird them and set them up for relational richness without completely losing it along the way? Is it even possible to have a friendly and fun relationship with a toddler, full of ease and humour? Yes, Yes, a million times YES!
We’re told by Jesus Himself to watch and learn when it comes to kids. He never specifies an age group. It’s just children were supposed to model ourselves after when it comes to loving, befriending and trusting Him. Toddlers are utterly at our mercy. An untrustworthy or damaged caregiver can be a matter of life and/or death. A toxic word or two spoken, shouted or whispered from a place of fragile self control sets a kid up for a potential lifetime of belief in a lie that if we’re not careful, humble or awake enough to fix can damage and neutralize them immediately.
Life kicks our butts daily. Our toddlers demonstrate such resilience and strength. They can’t give up and they aren’t able to change their circumstances alone. Our job as parents is to both model the gentleness and presence of the Father AND to learn to lean, minute by minute on our own perfect Parent. When we can open up to the lesson, true change and freedom can begin to do it’s thing.
Something ridiculous but semi fun that always helped me when I was in the thick of it with toddlers, a baby and an older kid all trying to enjoy life together, was to pretend that I was on a television show about how to do whatever it was I/we was/were doing and that the kids were my special guests. I would interview them, explain things and attempt a hilarious level of cordiality with them. Strangely, treating them like people worthy of my kindness and presence worked! Who knew?
Slowing everything down isn’t always possible, obviously, but definitely being able to let go of plans or expectations that seem to be stressing everyone out is always a good idea. We need to ‘go with our gut’ so much and just be okay with it. Maybe staying in bed all day with stories is what’s up. Of course, not everyone is privileged enough to be able to just chill with little ones, so learning to edit and pare down on the activities outside of a regular schedule is just what the doctor ordered. Let them lead as much as your lifestyle permits. Little ones love to be cozy and inhabit familiar spaces. I think that often we assume that they crave adventure and action, when all they want is to be left alone with some Playmobil. Their college admissions aren’t going to be contingent on how many times they were taken to the aquarium at the age of three. Take it easy.
My eldest daughter was a biter and a hitter as a toddler. In every other respect she was a delightful, outgoing, creative and friendly child...as long as you weren’t her size. Her favorite move was the fish hook and my partner and I had to shadow her hard at the playground, in groups, etc. We wondered if we’d ever get to sit down and enjoy a dinner at friends homes without having to shadow our tiny gangster around in order to make sure she didn’t draw blood from anyone under five. We tried to reason with her, which was laughable. We placed her in her room and waited for sad remonstrations of remorse which were NOT forthcoming. She would sit or play cheerily and would call out ‘Hi Daddy!’ when she’d see him peeking in to see if she was composing any apologies. Finally, we just decided that what was right now our kryptonite was clearly her superpower and that the best solution was to continue to model and explain empathy and kindness and keep others safe to the best of our abilities. Now my twenty year old firecracker is a tenacious, energetic and clever academic go-getter. We need to see the good, foster trust and be smart and innovative with our little ones. I think Miranda mentioned on one of the podcast episodes that she remembers being at the Toronto Zoo when our kids were small and my daughter was looking like she was on the edge of something. I have zero recollection of saying ‘Rosie, do you need to punch my jacket?’ which was folded up on the seat beside me and not on me, but I am very impressed with my Toddler Wisdom! Again, go with your gut.
Community Commiseration is another vital survival tool. Find. Your. People. People with toddlers! I frequented drop in centres for little ones and met some stellar friends. Hit up the park in any season and find parents who are looking for companionship. Cultivate relationships with people who are in the same season you are. The outdoors is your friend, particularly now during Covid times.
Talk, talk, talk and listen, listen, listen. When I say ‘talk’, I don’t mean the oversimplified, silly way people normally speak to small children. Raise the bar and use regular language. Let them ask you questions about yourself. We really sell these small people short when it comes to conversation, so really listen and answer sincerely and honestly. Every response is an invitation to more communication and understanding that flows both ways and builds the infrastructure of relationship. I often asked my toddlers for mercy when I was feeling crummy or tired. They’d ask what that meant, I’d explain, and they’d extend it to the best of their abilities for as long as they were able. That meant so much and in turn informed my ability to be merciful to them.
Introduce soothing music, not the jangly ‘kid’ music that's marketed to them. My eldest loved to listen to ‘Pirates of Penzance’ as a little one and would sit, wrapt, by the beauty of the sounds he was hearing. Try lots of different sounds and styles. Jim Weiss’ audiobooks for little ones are charming and sweet also.
Ask the Lord for ENERGY, wisdom, and LOVE for your toddlers. We have not because we ask not. It’s that simple. Ask to be able to see them the way Jesus does. He has a bottomless well of patience, and a ton of hacks up His sleeve for you! Listen to and receive from Him like a kid. He’s your source of all creativity and wherewithal when it comes to dealing with these precious people. They’re trying so hard to be a part of the world they were born into and don’t understand. We need to be conscientious about remembering that they’re just new here and they’re small. They’ve been entrusted to us and we’re their tour guides. They are remarkably forgiving, forever curious, totally invested in the now, and are our deepest and most talented teachers. We are to watch and learn. God is our Source and apart from Him, we have nothing. We’re little, He’s big. And please, for the love of all things holy, don’t talk about what a nightmare your kid is over the top of their head! We have to model self control so that our little people learn it. Ask for and activate your self control. Breathe. Be authentic. Ask them for what you need and they just might surprise you. It may take a few tries, but it is eminently possible to instil grace and compassion by modelling.
God, please give us zeal to understand our little ones and real time solutions in dealing with them and their big feelings and needs! Fill us with wisdom, discernment, peace and compassion for ourselves as we do our days with them. Please lavish us with flexibility, openness, curiosity and humour. We choose LOVE and liveliness. We choose Your eyes, hands, voice, choices, speech, problem solving and communication, Jesus. Help us to triumph in days that are long and years that are short. We decide right now to treasure this time with our tiny people and access the energy and inspiration of Jesus when we’re in the trenches with them. Amen.
